Ask Porkchop

Moved.

2008-11-24T08:19:00.000-08:00

Ask Porkchop has finally followed the rest of The Gazette's blogs to an in-house blogging system. So, its new address is http://askporkchop.freedomblogging.com.

Were you expecting a joke or something?

Funny? Sad? Yes.

2008-09-24T09:44:00.000-07:00

SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

DEAR AMERICAN:

I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON

Gettin' my boson

2008-09-16T15:33:00.001-07:00

Is it yet passe to comment on the Large Hadron Collider? Probably. But it's still a really weird and fascinating thing, so too bad.

The UK's Telegraph reported over the weekend that the scientists are soliciting catchier names for the 17-mile-long device, which rams subatomic particles into each other really fast, and almost certainly won't cause the earth to be swallowed by an accidental black hole.

The Telegraph's commenters came up with some decidedly snappy ideas:

Mr. Smashy Pants
The Big Banger
The One Ring
Kabloomitron
Colliderscope
The Rectumizer

At least a dozen of the cheeky blighters thought they were the first to notice the hilarity that would ensue if you transposed a couple of letters in "hadron." Wrong! Evidently that honor goes to a copy editor at the New York times.

Still tiny after all these years

2008-09-16T15:27:00.000-07:00

Porkchop has reported before on BBC's fixation on the world's smallest man. But whereas the last photo was creepy, this one is... well, it's still pretty much creepy. If they'd caught the little guy sneaking a peek, then we'd have something.

It's official!

2008-09-11T12:41:00.000-07:00

...we have awful, awful taste in music. As a nation, I mean.

-----

`The Twist' is top song of Billboard Hot 100 era

By NEKESA MUMBI MOODY, AP music writer

How's this for a twist: Of all the No. 1 songs in the 50 years of the Billboard Hot 100 chart, Chubby Checker's "The Twist" ranks as the most popular single.

Elvis and the Beatles didn't even make the top five.

Santana's "Smooth," featuring Rob Thomas, is the No. 2 most popular, followed by Bobby Darin's "Mack the Knife," Leann Rimes' "How Do I Live" and "The Macarena" by Los Del Rio.

The Beatles did make the top 10, coming it at No. 8 with "Hey Jude." But Olivia Newton-John's "Physical" and Debby Boone's "You Light Up My Life" are ahead of that hit.

Rounding out the top 10: Mariah Carey's "We Belong Together" at No. 9 and Toni Braxton's "Un-break My Heart" at No. 10.

Burn it! Burn it with fire!

2008-09-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

Getty Images shows us how Fairbanks, Alaska, consistently defends its title as The Creepiest Freaking Place On Earth.

For only a few minutes, I thought this "realistic" Kirby would be the skeeviest thing I saw today:

Sadly, no.

Robble robble.

2008-09-10T13:47:00.000-07:00

Today's most spectacularly gorge-raising headline:

Man eats 23,000 Big Macs in 36 years

Yeah, I don't want to spoil the ending, but it turns out he might have a little bit of the ol' OCD.

Band name, anyone?

2008-09-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

Readers of the UK's Bookseller magazine voted the 1996 book "Greek Rural Postmen and their Cancellation Numbers" the oddest title of the past 30 years. Which is no mean feat, considering the competition - here are the winners of the annual prize for the past 10 years:

1998: Development in Dairy Cow Breeding and Management: and New Opportunities to Widen the Uses of Straw

1999: Weeds in a Changing World

2000: High Performance Stiffened Structures

2001: Butterworths Corporate Manslaughter Service

2002: Living With Crazy Buttocks

2003: The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories

2004: Bombproof Your Horse

2005: People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It

2006: The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification

2007: If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs

In case you're curious just how intense the annual competitions are, behold these other 2006 nominees: "How Green Were the Nazis?", "D. Di Mascio’s Delicious Ice Cream: D. Di Mascio of Coventry: An Ice Cream Company of Repute, with an Interesting and Varied Fleet of Ice Cream Vans," "Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan," "Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium," and "Better Never To Have Been: The Harm of Coming Into Existence."

You, sir, are a poopypants

2008-09-03T15:28:00.000-07:00

Sure, the presidential campaign is heating up, but at least we can always count on the press to keep a level head, deliver important information, and present us occasionally with careful, considered and respectful opinions.

I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Suddenly I got this odd feeling like I hate everyone.

Fun with wire photos

2008-09-03T14:24:00.000-07:00

Presidential nominees Barack Obama and John McCain shared a heated exchange today, after Obama, evidently by accident, stepped on McCain's foot.

The Arizona senator later apologized for overreacting, going so far as to kiss the cheek of his Democratic rival.

In a recurring theme of the campaign, supporters of Hillary Clinton (right, in a photo from earlier in the year) were offended by their candidate's apparent snub.

The saddest news ever

2008-09-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

(CNN) -- Don LaFontaine, the voiceover king whose "In a world ..." phrase on movie trailers was much copied -- and much parodied -- has died, according to media reports. He was 68.

LaFontaine died Monday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, California, according to ETOnline, "Entertainment Tonight's" Web site. He died from complications from pneumothorax, a collapsed lung that causes air to build in the pleural cavity, his agent, Vanessa Gilbert, told "ET."

LaFontaine, who was born in Duluth, Minnesota, began as a voice actor in the mid-1960s while working as a recording engineer, according to his Web site. His strong, slightly gravelly voice was featured on trailers for thousands of films, including "The Godfather," "Fatal Attraction" and "Terminator 2: Judgment Day." For a time in the late '70s, LaFontaine was the official voice of Paramount Pictures.

His favorite work was one he did for the 1980 film "The Elephant Man," he said in interviews, but whether the film was Oscar-caliber or a bomb waiting to blow, he handled every assignment equally.

"My philosophy is that you have to really believe what you're reading, even if you think the film's a piece of junk," he told Swindle magazine. "Even the worst picture is someone's favorite film, and that someone is the fan I am always talking to."

The Knights Who Say (nomi-) Ni!

2008-08-28T13:43:00.000-07:00

Joe Biden (left) and Barack Obama practice for the three-legged race,

which will determine the presidency in the event of an electoral college tie.

Speaking of Obama (and who isn't?), apparently the final musical performer of the evening is Michael McDonald. The unassailably cool Democratic nominee, who could have chosen just about any musician in America to play him onto the stage, picked Michael Freaking McDonald.

Don't get me wrong: seeing Michael McDonald on TV definitely makes me hungry for change. Just probably not the kind Obama had in mind. I hoped we had come farther than that in the 14 months since Celinegate.

Awkward seal tableau

2008-08-27T08:19:00.001-07:00

Let's get dizzy

2008-08-26T15:10:00.000-07:00

The website you go to when you click here is pretty much indescribable. And indescribably awesome. And it takes about 10 seconds to cycle through the whole thing. If you're sober. Why haven't you clicked yet?!

Caramel hell-planet

2008-08-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

Last week Andy W. alerted me to the McSweeney's piece, Selections from H.P. Lovecraft's Brief Tenure as a Whitman's Sampler Copywriter. If the title alone didn't make you LOL, congratulations! You're not a geek. Anyway, here's a... uh, a sample:

-----

Caramel Chew

There is a dimension ruled by a blind caramel God-King who sits on a vast, cyclopean milk-chocolate throne while his mindless, gooey followers dance to the piping of crazed flutes. It is said that there are gateways in our world that lead to this caramel hell-planet. The delectable Caramel Chew may be one such portal.

-----

It reminded me of this old favorite chestnut from Stripcreator (you'll probably have to click it to read it):

...or maybe it's pudding.

2008-08-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

Growing weary of waiting on tenterhooks for The Announcement, I cruised over to Time's list of the 13 worst vice presidents - and yes, Cheney's on there, thus confirming the media's liberal bias. Anyway, I learned that history is funny. Even when Ross Perot isn't in it. Check out this fact about Van Buren's #2, Richard M. Johnson:

-----

"While in office, he proposed an expedition to the North Pole so Americans could drill to the center of the Earth, believing the planet was hollow (his resolution was defeated). Evidently van Buren's experience with Johnson soured him on vice presidents altogether — when he ran for re-election he dropped Johnson from his ticket and didn't bother replacing him. Instead, he ran alone."

-----

At least, of course, he didn't murder the guy on the $10 bill.

Let's see you do this, Phelps*

2008-08-21T15:33:00.000-07:00

"About a year ago a YouTube poster uploaded a video of a glitch in Tiger Woods 08. He was able to get Tiger to stand on top of a lake and drive the ball into the hole. In response, EA just came out with this viral video to show that what the poster had claimed, is indeed true in real life."

That's how Kotaku describes this totally rad commercial for Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2009, available this fall for every system known to man (except, of course, my Super Nintendo).

*Just because Porkchop is a bit late to Everyone Talk About Phelps All The Time Week doesn't mean we can't play catchup, dammit.

Fail, indeed

2008-08-21T15:20:00.000-07:00

I've been remiss in not mentioning Failblog (from the folks who brought us ICHC), which I've added to my rotation of blogs to check regularly. A lot of the stuff is old and repurposed, but it's almost all irresponsibly hilarious.

The post that picture came from isn't so much funny as scary, though it certainly counts as an epic fail. Bonus: Watch until after 1:10, when the dude gets out to inspect the hole.

Arf, arf, arf.

2008-08-21T12:58:00.000-07:00

Michael Phelps returns to his tank at Sea World

A funny, if perfunctory, Onion story in the classic pile-on-the-jokes style - because God forbid anyone should be successful in a sport.

Oh - and what's that you ask? You would like to see an unrelated Gazette photo that I doctored in MS Paint a year and a half ago and rediscovered just now because of its alphabetical approximation to "Phelps"? Well, OK!

The Olympics story I'd like to read

2008-08-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

Yes, Michael Phelps may now wear more gold around his neck than Mark Spitz, but the world record holder, who is quite safe, has yet to be mentioned in all the press I've read:

I pity the journalistic fool who doesn't give Mr. T his propers.

Dog mistakes tree for other tree

2008-08-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

The makers of "Swing Vote" quickly agreed to an arrangement whereby Blakeman would receive 10 percent of the movie's profits. As a result, Blakeman now owes them $2 million.

Oh, it's on.

2008-08-05T12:32:00.000-07:00

108

As promised...

2008-07-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

...luchador goodness. At the risk of blowing my own (air) horn, damn that's hot.

What I didn't promise, because I didn't yet know about it, was this video featuring Bill and me. I'm the big quiet one.

Vive le resistance!

2008-07-30T11:25:00.000-07:00

As the proud new owner of a Super Nintendo, I couldn't not pass on this video from College Humor, about the limitations of Mario villains.

As someone who's been playing Mario 3 for the last week, I don't necessarily agree with their conclusion. If the baddies were intelligent, that game would be practically impossible. Dag!

ps. This year's college freshmen were born in 1990, one year before the SNES. Which means you're old, is I guess what I'm saying.

Regrettable

2008-07-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

I was just revisiting an old (old) favorite, the Gallery of Regrettable Food, which produced the marvel above. Worth spending a bit of time with - there's a lot of hilarious stuff there.

In other news, in today's Gazette you can read my review of a useful but spastic-looking shlepping tool, and tomorrow you can see me in a luchador mask, in some very prominent location (quite possibly A1). I'm quickly becoming the paper's go-to guy for shamelessness.

Thank you for being a friend

2008-07-22T12:43:00.000-07:00

RIP Estelle Getty.

I'll take three

2008-07-15T15:47:00.000-07:00

Thomas Kinkade + NASCAR = best thing ever. I had to go to the Web site just because I figured it was a misinterpreted Onion fake.

Next, I hope Kinkade will move on to a series of Calvin peeing on things.

Her heart will go on... a lot of worst-ever lists

2008-06-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

Boy, am I glad I've never heard that.

The brief story is worth reading if only because they did such a good job of picking the five best covers. I'd probably sub in Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" for the Muse thing - especially if I were the editor of a guitar magazine - but what are you gonna do?

British understatement

2008-06-17T15:48:00.001-07:00

I must decrease "robust"

2008-06-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

I just read the word "robust" for exactly the number of times I needed to complain about it. Here are the definitions of the word provided by Merriam-Webster Unabridged. If you don't mean one of them, and you probably don't, then use another word. If you do mean one of them, please choose a synonym, because this word is becoming untenably obnoxious.

Without further ado...

-----
1 a : having or exhibiting strength or vigorous health : POWERFUL, MUSCULAR, VIGOROUS
b : firm and assured in purpose, opinion, or outlook
c : exceptionally sound : FLOURISHING
d : strongly formed or constructed : STURDY>
2 : ROUGH, RUDE
3 : requiring strength or vigor
4 : FULL-BODIED, STRONG
-----

On the bright side, earlier this week I heard the circumstances leading to the impending spike in corn prices referred to as a "perfect storm." Since one of those circumstances was in fact a literal storm, I enjoyed the almost certainly unintentional wordplay. Good on ya, "Today Show."

Buffy the Leghorn Slayer

2008-06-06T07:41:00.000-07:00

This story's lede hinges on the notion that it's surprising that an academic conference would center on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which it's not at all:

What is surprising is that they're having an academic conference in Arkansas. In a town called "Arkadelphia." About which Wikipedia says "The city's name Arkadelphia was likely formed by combining Ark- from the state's name Arkansas and adelphia as in Philadelphia." Which makes me wonder if those were the same visionaries who gave us Texarkana.

Seriously, good luck with that book-learnin', guys.

Nothing will be funnier today...

2008-06-03T13:52:00.000-07:00

...than A statement from Detroit Pistons general manager Joe Dumars at New Republic. An excerpt:

-----

Yes, Boston has won four games and Detroit only two. But it's hard to imagine a more arbitrary and undemocratic way to determine this series’s outcome than "games won." It is, after all, a bedrock value of the game of basketball that all points must be counted. But how can that be the case when every point beyond the winning point is ignored? There are literally dozens of layups, jumpers, free throws, and (yes, even) dunks that our opponents want to say don't count for anything at all. We call on the NBA to do the right thing and fully count all of the baskets that were made throughout the course of this series.

Once you abandon the artificial four-games-to-two framework that the media has tried to impose on the series, a very different picture emerges, with the Celtics leading by a mere 549 points to 539. Yes that’s right, the margin between the two teams is less than one percent—a tie, for all intents and purposes. This is probably the closest Conference Finals in NBA history, though I will thank you not to check on that.

This will get me in trouble with old people

2008-06-02T12:28:00.000-07:00

Bo Diddley was probably known for other things, but if you, like me, are approximately 29 years old, you need know only this:

Anyone who can talk like that to the best guy from Tecmo Bowl must be a badass. RIP, Bo.

Gosh, they weren't that bad.

2008-05-21T07:42:00.001-07:00

Take me out to the temple, take me out to the doom.

2008-05-01T15:16:00.001-07:00

So, right now at the Rockies Web site, there's a picture of Indiana Jones in the middle of their May schedule. You can't click on it, and no explanation is given; he just seems to be saying "I see you like the Rockies. Well, so do I. I like the Rockies so much, in fact, that I spend all of my spare time hanging out on their calendar."

Yes, the picture is on the day that Kingdom of the Crystal Skull comes out - also the day that I spend a lot of time whistling that theme song - but if this is supposed to be an advertisement, I hereby declare that it sucks pretty bad. Not as bad as when they put Spider-Man on the bases, mind you, but pretty bad nonetheless.

By the way - wondering why he's off-center like that? Some teams, like the Astros, have games scheduled for that day:

What a dire scheduling conflict that'll be.

Yee-haw indeed.

2008-04-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

With yet another Primary To End All Primaries, fresh talk of elitism, and yesterday's utterly incomprehensible WWE news item, I've been reminded of one of my favorite Onion opinion pieces (click through for the whole column):

-----

Yee-Haw! My Vote Cancels Out Y'all's!

BY DUANE BICKELS

Well, damn, man, it's pretty soon gonna be president election time again, and that means we gotta start thinkin' about who's gonna be the one we want to be president. That's some important stuff, who's president, because whoever's president will be in charge of the whole dang shootin' match. And, if y'all are like me, you know America's president needs to be the kind of old boy who, in the first place, kicks him some damn ass, and in the second place, don't listen to all that bitchin' about how he shouldn't be kickin' so much ass. And, if you ain't like me, guess what? My vote cancels out y'all's!

Now, you probably waste a whole lotta good-fishin' Saturdays readin' yourself the papers, watchin' all the talk on the TV, and sittin' around thinkin' real hard about which way you gonna vote. Well, it's a real shame, then, ain't it, that all that time you spend in real careful considerin' don't count for nothin', once my vote runs y'all's right off the road.

Nothing about this is OK

2008-04-21T15:08:00.002-07:00

Kinda cool in theory, but anything that results in driving wrestling fans to the polls is... uh, what's the opposite of good?:

-----
Clinton, Obama and McCain on WWE's `Monday Night Raw'
Monday, April 21, 2008 4:42:11 PM
By DERRIK J. LANG

A smackdown among presidential candidates?

Barack Obama, Hillary Rodham Clinton and John McCain will appear on World Wrestling Entertainment's live "Monday Night Raw" (8-11 p.m. EST on cable's USA network) but instead of smacking each other down, they separately will deliver some wrestling-themed stumping in taped messages before Tuesday's Pennsylvania primary.

"Tonight, in honor of the WWE, you can call me Hillrod," Clinton says in her message. "This election is starting to feel a lot like `King of the Ring.' The only difference? The last man standing may just be a woman."

Obama borrows The Rock's famous catchphrase during his appearance.

"To the special interests who've been setting the agenda in Washington for too long and to all the forces of division and distraction that has stopped us from making progress, for the American people, I've got one question: Do you smell what Barack is cooking?" Obama says before flashing a smile.

McCain, meanwhile, looked to Hulkamania for inspiration for his message.

"Looks like Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama want to celebrate their differences in the ring," McCain says. "Well, that's fine with me, but let me tell you: If you want to be the man, you have to beat the man. Come November, it'll be game over. And whatcha gonna do when John McCain and all his McCainiacs run wild on you?"

The candidate appearances will be used to promote "Smackdown Your Vote!" -- the WWE's voter registration drive.

What is wrong with New Yorkers?

2008-04-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

The New York Post has confirmed the existence of a Marilyn Monroe sex tape, recently unearthed and sold to an anonymous New York businessman for $1.5 million. Which should be criminal, incidentally, considering that pictures of JLo's kids went for four freaking times as much - I guess the economy really is in the toilet.

But I digress. The real point of this is that the buyer of the tape "wants to keep this unseemly part of Monroe's past buried," according to the story, and will not release it.

In other news, New York-area hardware stores reported a huge jump in torch and pitchfork sales today.

(link via Newspeak)

Parse-happy Monday

2008-04-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

Just saw this headline on cnn.com:

Boy killer loses appeal

Yeah. I used to like that boy killer, until he totally sold out. Just for fun, let's try some different punctuation:

"Boy-killer loses appeal." Well yeah, watching him kill boys would get old.
"Boy, killer loses appeal." Does he ever! I can hardly stand to look at him now.
"Boy/killer loses appeal." I grow weary of this mild-mannered young man by day, cold-hearted murderer by night.
"Boy killer loses. Appeal?" The game-over screen on a defense attorney video game.

Too cold.

2008-04-11T07:43:00.000-07:00

OK, so domestic violence is never funny, but sometimes it gets damned close. Consider this story:

-----

Vanilla Ice was held without bond Friday following his arrest on a charge of simple domestic battery after an alleged argument with his wife at their South Florida home.

The 39-year-old rapper's wife called the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office on Thursday night, saying he had kicked and hit her. She later told deputies he had only pushed her, the arrest report said.

The report said Vanilla Ice denied pushing her.

-----

What nearly pushes this over the top into the "funny" category? The reporter's insistence on referring to the accused by his stage name. Also, the opportunity it affords us to wonder what kind of person would marry Vanilla Ice (answer: her name is Laura, and they have two kids named Dusti Rain and Keelee Breeze, which is fantastic).

But the moral of the story is simple: if you want to keep your marriage violence-free, you must remember to stop, collaborate and listen. Good night everybody!

Today in Simpsons news

2008-04-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

Way to prioritize, Venezuela. Also, Pixeloo's second foray into de-tooning cartoon characters (after creepy-uncle Mario) looks like this:

One week late

2008-04-08T08:35:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, I work hard for the funny. Other times, people e-mail me press releases with headlines like:

Toby Keith Joins Wayman Tisdale on Barry White Remake

To reinforce this sign of the apocalypse, some visual aids:

Toby Keith

is collaborating with Wayman Tisdale:

on a cover of a song by Barry White:

OK, so they can all be referred to in some sense as "musicians," so they have that in common, but I guess what I'm getting at is that only one of the three has been on television saying "This truck is the big dog daddy." And it wasn't Barry White. Or Wayman Tisdale.

It was Toby Keith, is what I'm saying.

Suffrage succotash

2008-04-04T14:42:00.000-07:00

Here's a fun video, wherein a guy goes to a prestigious prep school with a petition to end women's suffrage. Don't wanna spoil it, but it turns out we may need more dictionaries in our schools.

Pugnacious penultimate purloiner

2008-04-03T07:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently Gazette columnist David Ramsey just met Lou Brock, Baseball Hall of Famer and all-time no. 2 base-stealer, and learned that he often challenges strangers to fights, sometimes scaring them pretty badly, as a joke.

My new goal: to get famous enough to do that and have it be funny.

Welcome back, haters

2008-04-02T12:43:00.001-07:00

A BBC report says that 35% of non-Americans view the U.S. as a positive influence, up from 31% last time they checked. Woo!

I guess the world has noticed that the U.S. is starting to get its act together. It has a new job and an apartment, and has stopped staying out God-knows-where until all hours of the night, at least most of the time. The nation is also thinking of going to church next week. This time we can really change, baby, we know that. Just give us a chance.

Today in Foolery

2008-04-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

Behold, Porkchop's soon-to-be-annual list of favorite April Fools jokes on the interweb, updated all day (note, most of these links won't work on April 2):

Lord of the Rings Online: Battle of Amon Hen

D20 punks the Gazette

Kaketaku

Super Pii Pii Brothers

Virgin and Google team up to colonize Mars

YouTube rickrolls absolutely everyone

Microsoft unveils new XBox accessories we'd actually love to have

Collegehumor.com bought by 17-year-old

GMail introduces custom time stamps

Belated

2008-04-01T08:58:00.000-07:00

We were sorely remiss, kings of self-congratulation as we are, in not marking the first birthday of this blog on March 29... but it's never too late to point out just what an awesome birthday that is.

Jennifer Capriati
Coca-Cola
Perry Farrell
Eric Idle
The Knights of Columbus
Christopher Lambert
Lucy Lawless
Elle MacPherson
John Popper
The Royal Albert Hall
Amy Sedaris
Vangelis
Sam Walton
Wrestlemania III
Cy Young

Ethel and Julius Rosenberg were convicted on March 29, 1951 (lame), but the last U.S. soldiers left Vietnam on 3/29/73 (yay!).

What's Elvish for "duh"?

2008-03-28T08:56:00.001-07:00

McKellen then went on for several minutes enumerating the things he might buy with the proceeds, which include a dozen cars, at least three islands, and Sean Astin.

Regularly scheduled program

2008-03-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

I was prepared to extend the mini-hiatus indefinitely while I continued to lock horns with FreeRice, but yesterday at lunch I finally tasted level 50, and now I can die happy (or at least go back to posting). Suffer!

Next week, look for more funny and less geeky. Scout's honor.

Learn words, donate food

2008-03-26T11:48:00.000-07:00

A Spin magazine feature turned me on to FreeRice.com, a Web vocabulary game hosted by poverty.com. For each word you correctly match with its definition, you donate 20 grains of rice to a food bank, paid for by the banner advertisers.

This blogger has attained level 46 out of a possible 55, so bring it! Post your scores in the comments.

Eeeeewwwwwww.

2008-03-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

There seems to be a perfectly valid explanation for it, but I would still submit that there are few finer how-do-you-dos than this headline:

Atty: Male DNA Found in NY Broker's Sink

The nature of genius (or, sorry about all this)

2008-03-25T12:42:00.000-07:00

I'm a geek. You know that, right? That whole genius thing in the last post - it didn't give me its methodology, and so I could not accept it at face value, especially when other blogs I read and enjoy got much lower scores. In fact, Porkchop was the only one to get the Genius tag.

I mean, I could just say that this is the smartest blog ever - but you already know that in your heart, though I don't have the data to back it up, and we don't abide truthiness here.

So, I went to readability.info and got a bunch of different readability grades, and explanations thereof. It was fascinating (see note on geekdom above). On the school-grade scales, we got:

Kincaid, 5.8
ARI, 6.0
Coleman-Liau, 9.0
Fog, 8.9
Lix, <5*
SMOG, 8.7

*Bite me, Lix.

That's a pretty wide range right there, which makes me glad I don't write standardized tests. I furthermore learned that we had started 2 of the 20 sentences on the front page with subordinating conjunctions, which is surprising, considering our irascible insubordinant spirit. (Did I convince you that I know what a "subordinating conjunction" is? Good.)

This Web site gave me a Flesch-Kincaid score, and apparently Flesch thinks much more highly of our writing than his colleague - together, they gave us a 10. So eat that, 5.8th-graders.

But I think my favorite index is SMOG. Sure, it gave us a middle-of-the-road score, but it has a deliciously one-factored formula: sqrt (((words<=3 syllables)/sentences)*30) + 3. So if I told you to "fornicate vigorously fortnightly with a truculent velvety wolverine," SMOG says you'd need to be midway through Grade 20 to understand it.

Then, you'd probably giggle.

We've been called worse

2008-03-25T11:59:00.001-07:00

Because Dave from Out There found the tool, we had to confirm our suspicions. Yes, reading this blog makes you a bona fide genius. Congratulations, you!

Heavy reading

2008-03-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

Facebook felt like showing me the "Top Books in the Colorado Springs, CO network" when I logged in today.

1. The Bible
2. Harry Potter
3. 1984
4. Mere Christianity
5. Wild At Heart

Are the people reading (3) preparing to deal with the people reading (1), (4) and (5)? And where does "The Boy Who Lived" fit into all this? I think I'm going to stop leaving the house, just in case.

Great job, guys

2008-03-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

Spam lede:

"Strategic Decisions & Partnerships is a group of concerned educators, corporate leaders and citizens whom are networking together to improve education in all the America's."

Wanna waste a lot of time?

2008-03-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

Newspeak's Aaron just turned me on to the Face Transformer, which is just as awesome as it sounds. If you know Aaron, you won't be surprised that he used his own face to demonstrate. As for me, I went with someone a bit more recognizable... and was disappointed to find out that you just can't make him ugly:

Original

Afro-Caribbean

Apeman

Manga

Damn, I hate that guy.

Oh, lest all you Porkchop groupies feel neglected (hi mom!), behold West Asian Christopher:

Eat your heart out, Retka.

Hungry for "hay-soos"?

2008-03-19T15:32:00.000-07:00

The gravy parted and Jesus appeared.

So says a woman who saw the image of Jesus on her HungryMan salisbury steak dinner (in photo) and is auctioning said dinner on eBay. The money is said to go to charity. Last we checked bidding was $157.50.
Check it out here.

The "hay-soos" reference is a shout-out to Dilbert. Creator Scott Adams had a character last week or so named Jesus, pronounced hay-soos, who performed miracles in the office. Adams caught some flak for the strip running so close to Easter.

A couple of co-workers say this Salisbury Jesus looks more like Salisbury Satan if you stare at it too long. Beware, he's a crafty one.

Really, really tapping the Rockies

2008-03-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

While we're on the topic of things that shouldn't stay in your house for years, here's an apparently true bit from snopes.com:

-----

A single guy lived in this townhouse for 8 years in Ogden, Utah. They thought he was the best renter because he never called or complained and was never late on a payment. These pictures don't even come close to what it looked like. Century 21 had already moved some of the cans out and had caved in tunnels he had made to get to the bedroom, bathroom and kitchen.

Next, they'll go after rainbows and Care Bears

2008-03-17T17:39:00.000-07:00

While perusing Outdoor Life magazine, I came across a story about how to get a unicorn-hunting license.

They're offered by Lake Superior State University. It says "Unicorns may be taken with serious intent, iambic pentameter, general levity and sweet talk."

(I know, I know, Outdoor Life mag?)

Assume la posición

2008-03-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

I still can't figure out the expression on her face. Is she wondering how much the gallery off-camera right paid for their seats, or just telepathically willing her teammates to maintain their distance from each other? Or maybe she's trying to throw a cool, come-hither smirk in the direction of the photographer: "Look at me. I am a sexy trapezoid, no?"

In any case, I hereby proclaim it almost as awesome as the Great Ukrainian Speedo Explosion of Feb. 22.

Really?

2008-03-14T13:04:00.001-07:00

Here's a phish spam I just got:

-----
From: Department of the Treasury
Subject: US Internal Revenue Service

After the last annual calculations of your fiscal activity we have determined
that you are eligible to receive a tax refund of $189.60.
Please submit the tax refund request and allow us 6-9 days in order to process it.
It will be stored in our secure database for maximum of 3 days
while we process the results of this nationwide survey.

A refund can be delayed for a variety of reasons.
For example submitting invalid records or applying after the deadline.

To access your tax refund online, please click on the link below
-----

BTW, mousing over the link showed me an aol.com address. I guess the Fed is too good for Netzero. Your tax dollars at work, folks.

Seriously, awwwww.

2008-03-14T11:26:00.001-07:00

Today's New York Times featured this A1 photo of Baby Barack:

UPDATE: In the interest of equal time, here's the first thing, I kid you negative, that came up when I Googled "baby" and "hillary":

3.14 bottles of fluff on the wall

2008-03-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

So, I guess March 14 is both White Day and Pi Day. The latter makes sense to my geeky heart, whereas the former looks like some strange kind of reciprocity celebration - and for extra weirdness, was evidently created by a marshmallow company.

Above is an installment of one of my favorite web comics, Toothpaste For Dinner. In case you're curious, I am in fact in the "dick" category, but only because I was always bored in algebra class and the teacher had a few hundred digits of pi as his wallpaper border. I think that's an acceptable reason for knowing 30-odd digits nearly 20 years later - right?

Erin, don't go "Bragh."

2008-03-13T14:08:00.000-07:00

St. Patrick's Day Health News: Don't Let Gas Ruin Your Holiday Cheer

Although the pubs will be crowded and noisy this St. Patrick's Day, don't put yourself in an embarrassing situation with unwanted gas. It may be tempting to eat traditional Irish dishes like corned beef and cabbage, but they can put a damper on your celebration.

"Everyone experiences flatulence, which can be embarrassing depending on where you are, but there are ways to control it, even while celebrating St. Patty's Day." says Patricia Raymond, M.D., gastroenterologist and assistant professor at Eastern Virginia Medical School.

Here are some tips to help minimize an embarrassing situation:

-- Avoid Certain Foods: Although corned beef and cabbage are staples for this holiday, they can wreak havoc on your stomach. While cabbage is healthy, it causes a lot of gas, and the fat from corned beef leaves unpleasant flatulence that's hard to cover up.

-- Deactivate Gas with Activated Charcoal: Dr. Raymond suggests taking CharcoCaps Homeopathic AntiGas Formula as a natural and safe way to control embarrassing flatulence at a St. Patrick's Day celebration. CharcoCaps helps people suffering from gas discomfort, pressure and bloating, since it adsorbs the gas and reduces its odor.

-- Drink Up: Enjoy drinking Guinness or other darker ales which have less carbonation than other alcoholic beverages, suppressing unwanted gas.

-- Take A Walk: If you can, walk in the parade or from pub to pub to keep your body moving and the gas flowing. This will alleviate the gas from sitting in the bowels causing distention and pain.

For more information, visit http://www.charcocaps.com/

Re-Re-Real estate news

2008-03-13T14:06:00.000-07:00

DETROIT - Aretha Franklin could lose her home to tax collectors. The singer says an attorney's mistake caused her $700,000 mansion in Detroit to slip into foreclosure over $445 in 2005 taxes and late fees.

-----

Reached for comment, the Queen of Soul said "All I'm asking is for a little respect when I get, um, wherever."

Assisted political suicide

2008-03-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

Can't not mention this:

Kevorkian to run for office

Yes, that Kevorkian, and yes, it appears to be a real thing. Tune in to Leno tonight, is my advice.

Moving on the wire today

2008-03-12T14:59:00.000-07:00

Excerpts from a story on gazette.com, along with a tiny fraction of the possible punchlines:

WICHITA, Kan. (AP) -- Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years - so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police.

(1) I hope she had a really good, really long book.
(2) I hope he had another bathroom in the house.
(3) I hope she courtesy-flushed at least every month or two.

(The boyfriend) told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow,'" (Sheriff Bryan) Whipple said.

(4) I wonder if he ever considered having a slot installed on the door, jail-style.
(5) Fool me 729 times, shame on me.

"It really doesn't surprise me," (neighbor James) Ellis said. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."

(6) With his ability to remain unfazed by pretty much anything, and his gift for measured understatement, James Ellis should be a campaign adviser. Or perhaps a candidate himself.

Things I thought I'd never see

2008-03-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

...include "Amazon Women On the Moon" accurately predicting the future. Witness this press release, verbatim as always:

-----

Don't be surprised if the next person you date asks for your Safe Sex Passport!

Research shows the biggest fear both men and women have about sex is getting a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD), especially HIV, and rightly so.

With nearly 19 million NEW Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) infections occurring each year in the U.S. alone, 1 in 5 of your readers will be affected by an STD at some point in their lives, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Gonzalo Paternoster, founder and CEO of SSP BioAnalytics, Inc., has taken on the fight of preventing the spread of HIV and STDs through his 'outside the box' creation of the Safe Sex Passport, and the world is starting to listen. The Safe Sex Passport will make a difference for your readers as they become empowered to take responsibility for their own health and the health of others.

-----

If you're not familiar with "Amazon Women On the Moon," it's a 1987 screwball comedy in the style of "Kentucky Fried Movie," directed by and starring dozens of C-listers (Arsenio Hall, Ed Begley Jr., Howard Hesseman).

The segment "2 I.D.'s" features Steve Guttenberg showing up for a blind date with Rosanna Arquette, only to be subjected to a thorough computerized check of his dating background (his final mortal sin: repeatedly pretending to like Meryl Streep movies). I'm pretty sure the SSPP doesn't go into that much detail, but it's still eerie.

Anyway, there's more to make fun of. "1 in 5 of your readers will be affected by an STD" sounds like a threat; Gonzalo Paternoster sounds like a MadTV sketch character; and... uh, let's just say that Porkchop has complained before about overuse of the phrase "outside the box."

Gnome, Sweet Gnome

2008-03-11T17:42:00.000-07:00

And you thought that little Travelocity gnome was cute. Little did you know that its kin apparently stalk the streets of Argentina, terrorizing teens with cell phone cams.

"We looked to one side and saw that the grass was moving," Jose Alvarez told the Argentinian newspaper El Tribuno. "To begin with we thought it was a dog but when we saw this gnome-like figure begin to emerge we were really afraid."

Oh, sure, gnomes don't seem they'd be all that scary, but check out the video. I wouldn't want anything short and menacing lurking around the parking lot.

Oh, by the way...

2008-03-11T10:01:00.001-07:00

HAPPY 3/11, EVERYBODY!!!

Or use all three to make stew!

2008-03-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

Here's an actual faxed press release we got late last week. It... well, it tells you how to use leftovers, is what it does. (OMG! i can has ham samwidjez?!)*

-----

Bunnies and Ham and Eggs, Oh My!

It’s almost that time of year again. You’re standing, dumbfounded, in front of a mound of hard boiled eggs, sliced ham and chocolate Easter bunnies. You wonder, “What am I going to do with 6 dozen eggs, 6 lbs. of ham and 25 chocolate bunnies?” The stress of it is almost enough to send you to bed for a week--or at least tear most of your hair out. Here are a few ideas and recipes from www.LivingOnADime.com to help you avoid both of those.

Leftover Bunnies: Take a rolling pin to them and crush the life out of them. Then use the crumbs to sprinkle on ice cream, use in milk shakes, stir into a mug of hot chocolate, use in place of chocolate chips for making cookies or melt for dipping fruit and candy.

Leftover Ham: Save bone for bean or split pea soup. Make ham salad, chef salad or ham sandwiches. Chop and freeze to use in: potato salad, scrambled eggs, omelets, to top baked potatoes, for potato soup, scalloped potatoes, au gratin potatoes, pasties or pizza- with pineapple.
Top tortilla with ham, salsa, and cheddar cheese and warm, for hot ham and cheese sandwiches.

Leftover Eggs: Make potato salad, tuna salad, pasta salad, chef salad, spinach salad with eggs and bacon, deviled eggs, golden morning sunshine or fill tomatoes with egg salad.

Golden Morning Sunshine
2 cups white sauce 4 eggs, hard boiled and chopped
Make white sauce. Once the white sauce has thickened, add eggs. Serve on toast.

White Sauce
¼ cup dry milk 1 cup cold water
2 Tbsp. flour 1 Tbsp. margarine
dash salt

In a covered jar, combine dry milk, flour and salt and mix well. Add water. Shake until all the ingredients are dissolved. Melt margarine in a 1 quart sauce pan. Stir in flour milk mixture and cook over low heat until mixture thickens and starts to bubble. Keep stirring until thickened completely.
-----

* Dude, I held out on the lolcat thing for a year. I'm not made of stone.

Madness vs. "Madness": There's a vas deferens

2008-03-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

All right, I'll admit it's kind of a good idea - though I'll probably wait for the World Series:

-----

Clinic wants to be 'snip city' at NCAA tourney time

SPRINGFIELD, Oregon (AP) -- For guys who park in front of the TV during college basketball's March Madness, the Oregon Urology Institute has a suggestion: Why not use that time to recover from a vasectomy?

Need an excuse to stay home and watch March Madness? An Oregon clinic suggests a vasectomy.

"When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen," the clinic's radio ad says. "Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city."

-----

The full story goes on to describe the care package they're throwing in, which includes a bag of frozen peas.

A PR campaign I can get behind

2008-03-06T14:06:00.000-08:00

(ha!)
This just in:

Sarah Chalke, best-known to TV fans and the Porkchop faithful as Dr. Elliot Reid on "Scrubs," is star of a new ad campaign for Hanes.

She's touting the new No Ride Up Panty. (Attractive, eh?) She's battling "the dreaded wedgie," says a press release.

Apparently the TV ads were directed by "Scrubs" star Zach Braff and the print campaign was "inspired by her own panty mishap on the red carpet" at The Emmys.

Panty mishap?

See other videos here.

Soon, you can go online (hanes.com/wedgiefree) and watch Sarah’s “Wedgie Dance” video and enter weekly “Wedgie-Free Wednesdays” product giveaways or share your wedgie story!!!!
Really?

Don't Want Those Suckers to Croak ...

2008-03-04T19:10:00.000-08:00

A band of brave, intrepid Hungarians saved more than 16,000 frogs from certain, squishy death, according to United Press International.

"A group of professional and amateur volunteers spent the weekend trundling buckets full of frogs known formally as European spadefoot toads across a busy highway near Farmos in central Hungary," UPI reported. Apparently the frogs are annually forced out of the ground by heavy seasonal rains, and once they're out, the little buggers hop like mad to the nearest highway -- perhaps inspired by a popular 1980s video game. But UPI notes that, in recent years, toad carnage has been high.

So volunteers -- both, I must note, amateur and professional -- herd these frogs into buckets that have been partly buried into the ground and, once the bucket is filled with amphibians, the volunteers rip them (the buckets) out of the ground and gently relocate the frogs to a nearby swamp. The whole exercise must look to passersby like a strange combination of rodeo, billiards and one of the 10 plagues of Egypt.

But the most interesting part of this story, to me, is the fact that there are apparently "professional volunteers" that do this sort of thing, according to UPI. How does one become a professional toad herder? Is it possible to major in "amphibious crowd management?" Do you need a license? Is there a professional society you join?

Even the 20-sided die.

2008-03-04T11:13:00.000-08:00

R.I.P. Gary Gygax (1938-2008), "Dungeons & Dragons" co-creator, Gen Con founder, and ipso facto pioneer of abstinence-only sex education. May flights of eblises sing thee to thy rest.

A tooth for an eye?

2008-03-04T09:50:00.000-08:00

WHAT?

Paul sent this to me and I forgot to post it. It's a must-read, if you haven't already.

The 57-year-old Irishman was blinded two years ago after an aluminum explosion at a recycling plant, AFP reported Thursday. His sight has been miraculously restored after doctors inserted his son’s tooth in his eye.

Read the full story here.

Violating Serious Labor Laws

2008-03-03T20:10:00.000-08:00

Women say that the pain of childbirth is akin to, say, having your arms ripped out of their sockets over the course of several hours. If that's true, one shudders to imagine what Stacey Herald felt when she gave birth to her 18-inch daughter Katira. Consider, for a moment, that Stacey's just two feet, four inches high.

That makes Katira about two-thirds the size of her mommy. That'd be a little like a woman who stands 5-foot-6 giving birth to, say, a kindergartener. Or a perhaps a golf bag. Complete with clubs.

Frankly, though, Stacey's just happy to not be pregnant anymore.

"If I laid down, I looked like a snail," she told WLWT.com. "That's how big my belly was. I looked like an Idaho potato with arms and legs."

God bless I Camera

2008-03-03T13:49:00.000-08:00

With every pundit in the world agreeing that tomorrow will decide the Democratic nomination, and with most of them agreeing that Hillary and Obama are essentially the same candidate, Porkchop decided to test them on the only metric that really matters: which candidate makes for funnier anagrams.

We turned to the experts-cum-kingmakers at the Internet Anagram Server (aka "I, Rearrangment Servant") - and are presenting the results below. We limited the results to three words each, because no one likes an overly wordy candidate. And because Hillary is sick of going first...

BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA

Babushka macaronies
Cabana hubrises amok
Caesarian mush kabob
Bob's marihuana cakes
Bareback human oasis
Amnesiac or babushka?
Scarab bemoans haiku
Bemoan rakish abacus
Nabob haiku massacre
Shamanic aura kebobs
Samurai nacho kebabs
Anaerobic ska ambush (one of my favorite bands)
Abase bunko charisma (that'll be Hillary's next slogan)

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON

Chardonnay thrill limo
Dynamical thrill honor
Anchorman doily thrill
Tricolor handyman hill
Conditional myrrh hall
Ironclad hominy thrall
Doctrinal Harmony Hill
Rhythmical lanolin rod
Only mandril haircloth
Millionth choral Randy
Normal chill hydration
Hardly chill nominator (if the shoe fits...)
Nominal child harlotry (BTW, Chris Matthews says he's still sorry about that)

I'd say it's a push - I, for one, would love to have some samurai nacho kebabs in my chardonnay thrill limo - but Ohio and Texas will decide which Metro Cad will run for the Nerdy Epics. The winner will, of course, have to watch out for Cynic Sideman John and his Curable Nip friends.

Creep-you-out Friday

2008-02-29T12:24:00.001-08:00

Click here for a post that, uh, kinda explains. No guarantees that it will make you feel any better.

A mission for scofflaws

2008-02-27T09:07:00.000-08:00

Attention, spraypaint owners: Can you please get to work on some of these for me?

kthx.

Nothing important, part 200

2008-02-26T13:35:00.000-08:00

We at Porkchop Central are celebrating our bicentennial by ripping off the local gadflies at NEWSPEAK!, who today directed me to a fantastic new Web comic.

The aptly named "garfield minus garfield" improves upon a certain Hoosier-created comic strip, excised from The Gazette a while ago, by removing its title character - leaving poor Jon Arbuckle to expose himself as the lonely schizophrenic he is and always was.

Bookmark it, people. Now! It's even better than the Nietzsche Family Circus.

Crichton just pooped a little

2008-02-26T07:41:00.000-08:00

Pokemon Ranch is slated to be the first game for WiiWare, the low-budget and indie games channel on Nintendo's weird little box. Here, dozens of pikachus line up to do the boot-scootin' boogie... and then, of course, devour your children.

Sarcastic cutline machine overload

2008-02-22T10:38:00.001-08:00

Oh my goodness. Can someone please say something really sad so I can stop laughing long enough to caption this? Apparently it's Ukrainian divers performing at the World Cup in China - and not, you know, the result of an explosion at the Speedo quality assurance center.

But it was free!

2008-02-20T09:29:00.000-08:00

Here's the lede from a BBC story that illustrates the possible repercussions of complaining about your service. Click anywhere to be magically transported to the full crazy-pants article:

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, etc.

2008-02-18T10:50:00.001-08:00

From the fax machine:

-----

This Applause is for YOU!

Introducing Cheers to You! The first and only CD filled with encouraging words and cheering applause! Ron Troutman of The Good Cheer Company wanted to create a CD that would make you feel acknowledged, feel good about yourself -- a CD where you'd smile (and keep smiling) while being reminded that you're worthy and valuable and deserving.

-----

Then, you can take your Totino's pizza out of the oven, crack open another Pabst and get back to your sentai anime marathon. Wouldn't want to overexert your self-esteem.

The release goes on to say "Cheers To You! has been featured twice on The Ellen DeGeneres Show." I believe that is also true of kids playing Guitar Hero, which means that we can officially presume that Ellen is intentionally leading us toward an idiocratic apocalypse. Thanks, hon.

Aggregator wrasslin'

2008-02-15T08:24:00.000-08:00

Hipness has arrived at The Gazette, people. Try not to faint.

This week we launched Springs Roll, a blog aggregator for the Springs and surrounding areas - a "deep-fried log of peakside blogs," as the tagline says. It boils down to this: we'll direct people to your blog, gratis, because we're nice and we like young tech-savvy folks. We really do.

Plus, it'll give you (and us) a great new way to screw around at work.

Anyway, click over there right now and add your blog, so I can stop shilling and get back to snarking.

Aerohero?!

2008-02-15T07:31:00.001-08:00

Kotaku announced Activision's announcement of the next thing your adolescent kids will want: Guitar Hero: Aerosmith.
Wait a sec. I don't think anyone has ever put "Aerosmith" and "adolescent kids" in the same sentence before. But whatever. There are many other obvious problems with the press release.

(1) "Gamers will experience Aerosmith's GRAMMY® winning career, from their first gig to becoming rock royalty, in a way that no other entertainment vehicle offers."

Uh, shouldn't we start the story in about 1987, after everyone stopped snorting every finely-ground substance they could get their hands on?

(2) "Steven Tyler says, 'Any band that can go from "Don't Want to Miss A Thing" (Aerosmith's #1 smash hit)..."

Really, Steven? That's what you're leading your pitch with? The song from the quintessential badly overblown '90s "event movie"?

(3) Tyler again: "Not only is songwriting a bitch, but then it goes and has puppies."

Um, what?

(4) Head of publishing Dusty Welch: "This partnership will give Aerosmith, a band that has sold more than 150 million albums worldwide, a powerful and innovative platform to reach their fans and new audiences."

Porkchop's translation: "This partnership will give Aerosmith gigantic bags of money, and get our company very little in return, because most of the market for Guitar Hero is made up of adolescents who have never heard of Aerosmith or, if they have, are creeped out by them."

Maybe I'm wrong - hell, I'll probably rent it at least - but this sure sounds like a big scarf-covered train wreck. Unless there's some kind of Alicia Silverstone mode (please, Activision?)

We want Saget! We want Saget!

2008-02-14T10:50:00.000-08:00

Furthering the spirit of the Hallmark holiday, a couple of e-cards from NBC, which may be feeling some extra brotherly love this week. Click the pictures if you really want to send one:

If I were you, I wouldn't send the "Office" one to a rabid fan of the show. She'll want to know why you couldn't send her an e-card that's up-to-date. Or, you know, flowers.

Nothing says "I Love You" quite like this

2008-02-14T10:27:00.000-08:00

Apparently this is the height of Valentine's Day madness:

FART SMART
Introducing Subtle Butt ™ - Disposable Shields That Neutralize Odor Caused By (Gasp!) Flatulence

You can't make up stuff like this:
"In this politically correct day and age, farting is still a major no-no for both men and women, alike. Now, thanks to the geniuses behind Garment Guard, the disposable, self-adhesive discs that prevent underarm stains, you can fart smart!"

They're selling squares of fabric made of activated carbon that you place inside your underwear or pants with two self-adhesive strips. The activated carbon is supposed to filter your flatulence.

According to the company: "Now you can eat all of the beans and burritos you want and still have a social life."

5-pack for $9.95 - available in March

Happy VD!

2008-02-14T07:55:00.000-08:00

Because we love you that much, here's a cornucopia of BBC Pics of the Day, with twice the normal cutlines. Call us later, k?

Rinspeed added, "Ha ha, every adult male in the entire world. We just got your life savings."

Or, "A Beijing man looked up today just in time to foresee his death by falling mannequin."

In neighboring Micronesia, where heart surgery is illegal, locals turned out in droves for the annual Triple Whopper With Cheese Festival.

Something's fishy in Sweden

2008-02-07T14:01:00.000-08:00

From Porkchop pal, Paul:

this UPI news item

MOTALA, Sweden -- A Swedish man was awakened Thursday by an open can of pungent fermented herring tossed through his bedroom window by an unknown assailant, The Local said.

Police in Motala were looking into the matter, which didn't hurt anyone but left the victim's home in need of an extensive mid-winter airing out.

The Stockholm newspaper said investigators had an idea who was behind the "herring grenade" attack, which was classified as a property damage crime.

(OK, this photo doesn't show canned herring. I couldn't resist the far of Abba herring pickled with onions.)

Herring grenades - have we tried those in Iraq?

Thanks, Paul!

Too much FreeTime

2008-02-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

Today EA has new promotional material up for the Sims 2 expansion pack "FreeTime." It includes a video of sim-Natasha Bedingfield singing a song in Simlish, the Sims' distinctive gibberish language. Some notes:

1) The Sims are still creepy.
2) Simlish is kinda fun to listen to after all these years.
3) Simtasha is hotter than regular Natasha.
1b) Hot Sims are creepier still.

Er, what?

2008-02-07T11:58:00.001-08:00

Also from the sports e-mail box, a form-letter spam we've seen recently took a weird turn today.

-----
Good Day,

I was just looking at your site, and I have a number of clients looking for Fat Camps. I do not work as a lead broker or a referral agency. I am seeking to work with one camp exclusively, today.

Your site looks like it'll make a strong fit for what they're looking for. Give me a call I need somebody fast.
-----

I'll bet Dave Philipps has some ideas for him. Vive le Incline!

Isn't that where Cal Poly is?

2008-02-07T11:38:00.000-08:00

From the folks who, a few months ago, were gracious enough to keep our flip chip substrate knowledge up-to-date:

SnAgCuBi and SnAgCuBiSb solder joint properties investigations

Thank God. I was beginning to think I had no use for the periodic table I keep taped to the inside of my skull, but there are always the headlines of misdirected trade e-mails to translate.

If nothing else, I can rest easy knowing someone is investigating the properties of solder joints - and now you can, too.

Why I miss Michael J

2008-02-07T10:42:00.000-08:00

PASTE magazine is releasing the 25th anniversary edition of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” on Tuesday.

Which is also Darwin Day. Coincidence?

The PASTE cover story is What I Miss About Michael Jackson

I miss that killer 'fro he had when he was a kick ("I Want You Back!")

A co-worker says she misses when Michael was black. You know what she means - when he looked black, like he was part of the Jackson family. When you could SO tell they were brothers singing and dancing on stage.

What do you miss most about Michael?

10th anniversary is what, epoxy?

2008-02-06T15:22:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day seems to bring out the worst press releases ever. Some are such a s-t-r-e-t-c-h.

Here's today's fav:

"Hello Dena,

"Win the heart of loved ones this Valentine’s Day with the following gift ideas that would even make Cupid jealous!

"FIX IT AND SAY - I LOVE YOU
Mighty Putty
Valentine’s Day is a great way to show you care – from fixing that shelf to a general repair Mighty Putty is a powerful bonding epoxy stick that can help fix virtually any household item or surface. ... "

Yeah, nothing says "I love you" like Mighty Putty. I can't wait to get married.

Happy Super Fat Tuesday

2008-02-05T07:13:00.001-08:00

At right, the first image that pops up when you Google "super fat."

If that's not Mardi Gras-tuitous enough for you, have one of these.

Rewarding immobility with sugar, fat

2008-02-04T15:06:00.000-08:00

So, Dairy Queen, the DQ, has introduced an online game world featuring the DQ Deeqs and aimed at 8- to 12-year-olds.

Kids sit around playing games online and win points.

From the press release: "As the site develops, the points kids earn playing the game will be redeemable for virtual and in-store Dairy Queen rewards."

Just what my kid who's sitting around playing online games needs: Dairy Queen treats.

Who are the Deeqs? The story goes, they're ice cream confections that have been frozen for years because they were too sweet, too fun, too out of control.

If only kids would stretch it like that.

Unsung heroes

2008-02-04T09:20:00.000-08:00

If you watched the Super Bowl last night, you're likely still reeling from the miraculous Manning-Tyree hookup in the improbable final drive. Lord knows I am. But you may not have noticed the calm contribution of one person, someone whose name I don't even know.

When the Pats turned the ball over with one second left, the game appeared to be over. Throngs of people stormed the field, as the officials tried to clear a path for the Giants to take their final knee and officially end the game.

But one guy (or gal) couldn't be fooled. He kept his eye on the clock and his finger over the button, keenly aware that there was still one entirely inconsequential play to go. And after Manning knelt down to run out the last second of regulation, this consummate professional dispatched his duties at exactly the right time, not a moment too soon.

I'm talking, of course, about the confetti cannon guy. Way to go, buddy. Where the entire Stanford marching band famously failed some 25 years ago, you triumphed. I hope you get a beer commercial.

ps. Check out Andy's posts about the Super Bowl commercials, where you'll learn, among other things, that I forced him to watch the disappointing Danica Patrick web ad (there should be a federal law against welshing on boob-related promises), and that he sucks at predicting final scores.

Ask Porkchop

Moved.

Funny? Sad? Yes.

Gettin' my boson

Still tiny after all these years

It's official!

Burn it! Burn it with fire!

Robble robble.

Band name, anyone?

You, sir, are a poopypants

Fun with wire photos

The saddest news ever

The Knights Who Say (nomi-) Ni!

Awkward seal tableau

Let's get dizzy

Caramel hell-planet

...or maybe it's pudding.

Let's see you do this, Phelps*

Fail, indeed

Arf, arf, arf.

The Olympics story I'd like to read

Dog mistakes tree for other tree

Oh, it's on.

As promised...

Vive le resistance!

Regrettable

Thank you for being a friend

I'll take three

Her heart will go on... a lot of worst-ever lists

British understatement

I must decrease "robust"

Buffy the Leghorn Slayer

Nothing will be funnier today...

This will get me in trouble with old people

Gosh, they weren't *that* bad.

Take me out to the temple, take me out to the doom.

Yee-haw indeed.

Nothing about this is OK

What is wrong with New Yorkers?

Parse-happy Monday

Too cold.

Today in Simpsons news

One week late

Suffrage succotash

Pugnacious penultimate purloiner

Welcome back, haters

Today in Foolery

Belated

What's Elvish for "duh"?

Regularly scheduled program

Learn words, donate food

Eeeeewwwwwww.

The nature of genius (or, sorry about all this)

We've been called worse

Heavy reading

Great job, guys

Wanna waste a lot of time?

Hungry for "hay-soos"?

Really, really tapping the Rockies

Next, they'll go after rainbows and Care Bears

Assume la posición

Really?

Seriously, awwwww.

3.14 bottles of fluff on the wall

Erin, don't go "Bragh."

Re-Re-Real estate news

Assisted political suicide

Moving on the wire today

Things I thought I'd never see

Gnome, Sweet Gnome

Oh, by the way...

Or use all three to make stew!

Madness vs. "Madness": There's a vas deferens

A PR campaign I can get behind

Don't Want Those Suckers to Croak ...

Even the 20-sided die.

A tooth for an eye?

Violating Serious Labor Laws

God bless I Camera

Creep-you-out Friday

Gosh, they weren't that bad.