Creep-you-out Friday

I found this at good ol' Kotaku. I'd give you some context, except (a) I'm not quite sure what it is, and (b) it's way better just to imagine this as the random product of someone's fevered imagination. Watch to the end for a super-happy crushing death!

Synecdoche a-go-go

I'm all for metaphorical language, but sometimes it goes too far, like in this AP story:

"The Senate subpoenaed the White House and Vice President Dick Cheney's office Wednesday, demanding documents and elevating the confrontation with President Bush over the administration's warrant-free eavesdropping on Americans."

What you see there is an example of synecdoche* gone wild. Sometimes it kinda makes sense to call the president and his posse "the White House," but when we're talking about appearing at a hearing, it smacks of absurdity. This post has been an unneccessary service of the National Grammar Cop Society.**

*yes, I subscribe to Word of the Day. There's nothing wrong with it.

**No, there's no such thing.

Inscrutable PR headline of the week

WaveMarket Selected by AmberWatch Mobile
for Cross-Carrier Safety Application

I call it "Saturday night."

When you call your band Turbonegro, odds are you've made peace with the fact that you'll never be beloved by everyone. Why, then, use standard corporate jargon when describing your new video in a press release? It seems they agree, as this pull quote attests:

"It's like watching the show Jackass on crystal meth while tripping to Led Zepplin" (sic)

More? OK. "These six deviants, aka Turbonegro, among other unmentionable names, have wrought more rockin' havoc around the world than any other band in the last ten years. Their blue-denim sailor-boy gear and 'faux-mo-erotic' lyrics have caused astonishment and confusion everywhere."

Because I know you want to know, their new album is called Retox, and it follows such classic Turbonegro records as Apocalypse Dudes and Ass Cobra. They need to hook up with the MVD Entertainment people.

Love me tender

Is this what happens when your singing career is kaput and you're divorcing (ed?) and need to feed a few mouths? You hawk the Baby Elvis doll?

"In commemoration of the 30th Anniversary of his untimely passing, Marie Osmond pays tribute to the 'King,' with a very special doll, Baby Elvis®. Having personally known Elvis when she was a young woman, Marie was greatly influenced by both Elvis and his music, and Elvis himself was particularly fond of Marie's mother, Olive Osmond."

Uh-huh.

Apparently this is the first in Marie's Little Bit Country, Little Bit Rock & Roll doll series.

"Baby Elvis® wears the iconic American Eagle Jumpsuit from Elvis's 1973 Aloha from Hawaii satellite TV concert special, which is widely regarded as the pinnacle of his superstardom."

Uh-huh.

Baby Elvis® is limited to an edition of 5,000 and sells for $149.95.

Her heart will go on

Hillary Clinton's supporters have voted for her campaign song, and it's "You and I" by Celine Dion. It evidently contains the lyrics "You and I, we're meant to fly. Higher than the clouds we'll sail across the sky."

Which reminds me of another great poet, Lenny Kravitz, who wrote "I wish that I could fly, into the sky, so very high, just like a dragonfly."

The other choices included Smashmouth's version of "I'm a Believer" and not one, but TWO songs by U2. She should have just picked "Who Let the Dogs Out?" or "Macarena" or "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" or "Rico Suave" or "Friends In Low Places" or "Tears In Heaven" or "The Sign" or "Walk the Dinosaur" or "I'm Too Sexy" or "Semi-Charmed Life" or "More Than Words" or "Can't Fight This Feeling" or "Breathe" or "You Got It (The Right Stuff)" or "Electric Youth" or "Three Little Pigs" or "I Hate Everything About You" or "Keep Your Hands To Yourself" or "Sweet Child o' Mine" or "Wannabe" or "Ready to Go" or "Red Red Wine" or "No Rain" or "Two Princes" or "Jenny (867-5309)" or "Lady In Red" or "Weird Science" or "Lump" or "Barbie Girl" or "Livin' On a Prayer."

Actually, "Livin' On a Prayer" would be pretty bad-ass.

Dear Porkchop: How do you want to die?

New biker, 71, died of excitement

John Parsons' wife Myra had not wanted him to have a motorbike

A 71-year-old man died from excitement the first time he went out on his new motorcycle, says a coroner.

John Parsons, a retired engineer from Barry, Vale of Glamorgan, suffered a heart attack on his 125cc Honda and fell into the path of an oncoming car.

The bike was delivered the day before and he was "very excited" about riding on it, the Cardiff inquest was told.

Coroner Mary Hassell said it "was too much for his heart," adding: "In some ways, what a way to go."

No comment Monday

An Insightful Book That Will Help You To Win The Super Bowl of Life
Author Amanda Barron shares inspiring words, insights and Bible scriptures that will inspire you
A Must Read Book
For Masters, Servants, Teachers, Preachers and All Laborers

Georgetown, SC - June 18, 2007 - Super Bowl Sunday has become an annual ritual that is watched by nearly half of United States television households and televised in over 150 other countries. How does one get to the Super Bowl? Doing the right things will get you to the Super Bowl. Author Amanda Barron shows you how to win the Super Bowl of Life through her insightful book, MAN, YE ARE CIRCUMCISED.

MAN, YE ARE CIRCUMCISED is inspirational guide (sic) that will help both men and women to live out a fulfilled life devoted first to God and family. Like in a Super Bowl Game, this book cheers and compels men to win the Super Bowl of life. It opens our eyes to the goal to drive men to become circumcised men of God, for themselves, for family and for the world. Like a shining bright star from the Middle East, this book shines and guides men to the right path. It is filled with Bible scriptures and positive attitude, and promises that tackle all men, black and white, rich and poor, democrats and republicans (sic), lamblike and lionlike to become or continue to be righteous men of God.

Salvation is truly free for all who desire the gift if God (sic). There is no greater knowledge than to truly know that God loves you. Get a copy of this powerful book and win the Super Bowl of Life!

The paper spangled in basicfree

ASAP Incoming always has something fun, but this is a bit more fun than usual. Lost In Translation is a site programmed to feed text into Altavista Babel Fish, and translate it from English to other languages and back - specifically French, German, Italian, Portuguese and Spanish, in that order. It's like a global-village version of Telephone.

Anyway, ASAP pointed it out; I tested it. Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for our national anthem, badly mangled by its virtual trip around Europe.

----

You can see the word or of the first light of the shovel, of which what we it hailed ferocious this with the buttock to the lustrum of the dawn much?
With which inner he it extended the chains and the system to ignite in infuence the first paper of the dangerous fight in the parts of the ram, that one we observed the operation very valiantly?
And the red rockets of the incandescence, that one that if the sinks, of that one in an air, the test within the night that the our visualization were word or of always here.
Despite blow upon vacancy of this sample of the marcatura, to around continue the first paper of the paper spangled in basicfree and the house, provided brave man?

Gah!

Media reporter extraordinaire Andy Wineke sent me this old picture of Tony Blair, which has evidently been making the rounds. I'm thinking equal parts Otto from The Simpsons and Sloth from The Goonies. Anyone else?

More adventures in tough PR jobs

Faxed to us today:

Autobiographical Novel Chronicles the Wild Life and Times of a
Canadian on a Jewish Commune in Israel
Kanook Kibbutznick by Michael Hoover is a novel about the
crazy adventures of a Canadian recruited by Israeli Intelligence

The release goes on to call the book "zany," "highly original," and "one coming-of-age tale that will be going places." Also, the author is apparently a distant cousin of Howard Hughes, and a descendant of Daniel Boone. Also, the publisher seeks book deals with authorpreneurs - their word, natch.

Why are you still reading this? Buy the book already.

Eww.

From the video-game blog Kotaku. In case you can't read it, that says "Ice Cucumber" underneath the "Pepsi" there. Fear not, public; it appears that only Japan gets to, uh, experience this.

Real-life X-File?

I came across a science article about a man who recently oozed green blood at a hospital. When I went to check it out on the Live Science Web site, I saw a link to the top 10 mysterious diseases, which was interesting as well (some are commonly heard of, some are very strange):
Green blood report: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=73473
Weird diseases: http://www.livescience.com/health/top_10_diseases-1.html

Nothing bad could come of that

(from BBC's Day In Pictures)

They should probably stay home.

Business editor Joanna Bean - who is, I can attest, wackier than her title would suggest - forwarded this gem:

-----
Hit the Road This Summer With Free California Drives 2007 Guide

SACRAMENTO, Calif., June 11 (PRNewswire) — Pack up the family and hit the road this summer to discover some of California’s most spectacular and lesser-known destinations with California Drives 2007. This 32-page, four-color piece, produced by the California Travel and Tourism Commission (CTTC) and Sunset Custom Publishing, contains detailed maps that guide readers to the state’s rustic towns, cool mountains, country roads, family attractions, beach towns, cultural heritage sites and mining camps.
-----

You know what must be a hard job? PR rep for a campaign called "California Drives." I mean, California leads the nation in three things: Austrian-born governors, screenwriter/carwashers, and high gas prices*.

*There are probably more.
**Isn't it adorable that $2.33 once seemed exorbitant?

Ever been to Minot, N.D.?

This seems an appropriate response.

A teen makes her prom dress from about 200 Mike & Ike candy boxes.

Said Kelly Thiel: “It was definitely a one of a kind dress at the prom. It all started with the cutting of the candy boxes. Next I peeled them leaving only a thin layer. This made the dress not so stiff and more flexible. I ironed the box fronts to satin. The dress pattern I used also included a layer of green tulle.”

How sweet.

Of note: Mike & Ike's are from Just Born - the Peeps people! And they're Kosher. Who knew? (Check out the Web site for the concert tix promo or to vote for a new flavor mix.)

An underwear overhaul?

Is underwear an appropriate gift for Father's Day?

Of all the odd suggestions that have come in, this is the oddest, from HisRoom.com:

GIVE DAD AN UNDERWEAR OVERHAUL THIS FATHER’S DAY

Every dad loves sports cars, so why not move him into some sporty, colorful briefs? ... Help dad change gears by taking away his cotton underwear and replacing it with bamboo. ... If bamboo doesn’t get his engine running, what about soybean? ...

Dads, do you want really new skivvies for your bid day? Tell me it's not true.

Then we shall roast the fattest boar in the land

I'm not sure there's ever been a finer headline so far on a city press release, alliterative or otherwise:

Old gray mare delivers coin of celebration to Mayor

Dinger's parentage revealed

Creepy.

(Please note: I am a trained professional with years of experience grabbing Google images and modifying them in MS Paint. Do not attempt such feats of graphic design at home.)