The Knights Who Say (nomi-) Ni!

Joe Biden (left) and Barack Obama practice for the three-legged race,

which will determine the presidency in the event of an electoral college tie.

Speaking of Obama (and who isn't?), apparently the final musical performer of the evening is Michael McDonald. The unassailably cool Democratic nominee, who could have chosen just about any musician in America to play him onto the stage, picked Michael Freaking McDonald.

Don't get me wrong: seeing Michael McDonald on TV definitely makes me hungry for change. Just probably not the kind Obama had in mind. I hoped we had come farther than that in the 14 months since Celinegate.

Awkward seal tableau

Let's get dizzy

The website you go to when you click here is pretty much indescribable. And indescribably awesome. And it takes about 10 seconds to cycle through the whole thing. If you're sober. Why haven't you clicked yet?!

Caramel hell-planet

Last week Andy W. alerted me to the McSweeney's piece, Selections from H.P. Lovecraft's Brief Tenure as a Whitman's Sampler Copywriter. If the title alone didn't make you LOL, congratulations! You're not a geek. Anyway, here's a... uh, a sample:


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Caramel Chew

There is a dimension ruled by a blind caramel God-King who sits on a vast, cyclopean milk-chocolate throne while his mindless, gooey followers dance to the piping of crazed flutes. It is said that there are gateways in our world that lead to this caramel hell-planet. The delectable Caramel Chew may be one such portal.

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It reminded me of this old favorite chestnut from Stripcreator (you'll probably have to click it to read it):

...or maybe it's pudding.

Growing weary of waiting on tenterhooks for The Announcement, I cruised over to Time's list of the 13 worst vice presidents - and yes, Cheney's on there, thus confirming the media's liberal bias. Anyway, I learned that history is funny. Even when Ross Perot isn't in it. Check out this fact about Van Buren's #2, Richard M. Johnson:

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"While in office, he proposed an expedition to the North Pole so Americans could drill to the center of the Earth, believing the planet was hollow (his resolution was defeated). Evidently van Buren's experience with Johnson soured him on vice presidents altogether — when he ran for re-election he dropped Johnson from his ticket and didn't bother replacing him. Instead, he ran alone."

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At least, of course, he didn't murder the guy on the $10 bill.

Let's see you do this, Phelps*

"About a year ago a YouTube poster uploaded a video of a glitch in Tiger Woods 08. He was able to get Tiger to stand on top of a lake and drive the ball into the hole. In response, EA just came out with this viral video to show that what the poster had claimed, is indeed true in real life."

That's how Kotaku describes this totally rad commercial for Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2009, available this fall for every system known to man (except, of course, my Super Nintendo).

*Just because Porkchop is a bit late to Everyone Talk About Phelps All The Time Week doesn't mean we can't play catchup, dammit.

Fail, indeed

I've been remiss in not mentioning Failblog (from the folks who brought us ICHC), which I've added to my rotation of blogs to check regularly. A lot of the stuff is old and repurposed, but it's almost all irresponsibly hilarious.

The post that picture came from isn't so much funny as scary, though it certainly counts as an epic fail. Bonus: Watch until after 1:10, when the dude gets out to inspect the hole.

Arf, arf, arf.

Michael Phelps returns to his tank at Sea World

A funny, if perfunctory, Onion story in the classic pile-on-the-jokes style - because God forbid anyone should be successful in a sport.

Oh - and what's that you ask? You would like to see an unrelated Gazette photo that I doctored in MS Paint a year and a half ago and rediscovered just now because of its alphabetical approximation to "Phelps"? Well, OK!

The Olympics story I'd like to read

Yes, Michael Phelps may now wear more gold around his neck than Mark Spitz, but the world record holder, who is quite safe, has yet to be mentioned in all the press I've read:




I pity the journalistic fool who doesn't give Mr. T his propers.

Dog mistakes tree for other tree

The makers of "Swing Vote" quickly agreed to an arrangement whereby Blakeman would receive 10 percent of the movie's profits. As a result, Blakeman now owes them $2 million.

Oh, it's on.

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