What is wrong with New Yorkers?

The New York Post has confirmed the existence of a Marilyn Monroe sex tape, recently unearthed and sold to an anonymous New York businessman for $1.5 million. Which should be criminal, incidentally, considering that pictures of JLo's kids went for four freaking times as much - I guess the economy really is in the toilet.

But I digress. The real point of this is that the buyer of the tape "wants to keep this unseemly part of Monroe's past buried," according to the story, and will not release it.

In other news, New York-area hardware stores reported a huge jump in torch and pitchfork sales today.

(link via Newspeak)

Erin, don't go "Bragh."

St. Patrick's Day Health News: Don't Let Gas Ruin Your Holiday Cheer

Although the pubs will be crowded and noisy this St. Patrick's Day, don't put yourself in an embarrassing situation with unwanted gas. It may be tempting to eat traditional Irish dishes like corned beef and cabbage, but they can put a damper on your celebration.

"Everyone experiences flatulence, which can be embarrassing depending on where you are, but there are ways to control it, even while celebrating St. Patty's Day." says Patricia Raymond, M.D., gastroenterologist and assistant professor at Eastern Virginia Medical School.

Here are some tips to help minimize an embarrassing situation:

-- Avoid Certain Foods: Although corned beef and cabbage are staples for this holiday, they can wreak havoc on your stomach. While cabbage is healthy, it causes a lot of gas, and the fat from corned beef leaves unpleasant flatulence that's hard to cover up.

-- Deactivate Gas with Activated Charcoal: Dr. Raymond suggests taking CharcoCaps Homeopathic AntiGas Formula as a natural and safe way to control embarrassing flatulence at a St. Patrick's Day celebration. CharcoCaps helps people suffering from gas discomfort, pressure and bloating, since it adsorbs the gas and reduces its odor.

-- Drink Up: Enjoy drinking Guinness or other darker ales which have less carbonation than other alcoholic beverages, suppressing unwanted gas.

-- Take A Walk: If you can, walk in the parade or from pub to pub to keep your body moving and the gas flowing. This will alleviate the gas from sitting in the bowels causing distention and pain.

For more information, visit http://www.charcocaps.com/

Moving on the wire today

Excerpts from a story on gazette.com, along with a tiny fraction of the possible punchlines:

WICHITA, Kan. (AP) -- Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years - so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police.

(1) I hope she had a really good, really long book.
(2) I hope he had another bathroom in the house.
(3) I hope she courtesy-flushed at least every month or two.

(The boyfriend) told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow,'" (Sheriff Bryan) Whipple said.

(4) I wonder if he ever considered having a slot installed on the door, jail-style.
(5) Fool me 729 times, shame on me.

"It really doesn't surprise me," (neighbor James) Ellis said. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."

(6) With his ability to remain unfazed by pretty much anything, and his gift for measured understatement, James Ellis should be a campaign adviser. Or perhaps a candidate himself.

Madness vs. "Madness": There's a vas deferens

All right, I'll admit it's kind of a good idea - though I'll probably wait for the World Series:

-----

Clinic wants to be 'snip city' at NCAA tourney time

SPRINGFIELD, Oregon (AP) -- For guys who park in front of the TV during college basketball's March Madness, the Oregon Urology Institute has a suggestion: Why not use that time to recover from a vasectomy?

Need an excuse to stay home and watch March Madness? An Oregon clinic suggests a vasectomy.

"When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen," the clinic's radio ad says. "Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city."

-----

The full story goes on to describe the care package they're throwing in, which includes a bag of frozen peas.

T-shirt tour, part 2

People often ask about my "Beware of perverts" shirt, which looks like this:

I really wasn't planning to play wardrobe docent, but oddly enough, an AP story today updates us on the long-running Japanese-train-groping phenomenon (that's groping on trains, not groping trains):

-----
Cell Phone Message Warns Train Gropers

By HIROKO TABUCHI, Associated Press

TOKYO (AP) -- Did you just grope me? Shall we head to the police? That's the message women are flashing on their cell phones with a popular program designed to ward off wandering hands in Japan's congested commuter trains.

"Anti-Groping Appli" by games developer Takahashi was released in late 2005, but has only recently climbed up popularity rankings, reaching No. 7 in this week's top-10 cell phone applications list compiled by Web-based publisher Spicy Soft Corp.

The application flashes increasingly threatening messages in bold print on the phone's screen to show to the offender: "Excuse me, did you just grope me?" "Groping is a crime," and finally, "Shall we head to the police?"

Users press an "Anger" icon in the program to progress to the next threat. A warning chime accompanies the messages.

The application, which can be downloaded for free on Web-enabled phones, is for women who want to scare away perverts with minimum hassle and without attracting attention, according to Takahashi's Web site.

"I first downloaded this as a joke," said Spicy Soft official Michika Izumi. "But I think it could be a lifesaver if I get groped."

Brought to you by the letter H

Alert reader Joanna B. sends us this... erm, nugget.

-----
PLANO, Texas—(BUSINESS WIRE)—Oct. 22, 2007—J. C. Penney Company, Inc. (NYSE:JCP) today announced that Chairman and Chief Executive Officer, Myron E. (Mike) Ullman, III, is scheduled to have elective, laparoscopic surgery on Oct. 31 to improve certain physical comfort-related symptoms stemming from a medical condition he has had for more than 20 years.
-----

"Certain physical comfort-related symptoms"? Joanna suspects that the good folks of Plano are just too polite to say "hemorrhoids."

I'm inclined to concur, except that who on earth would wait 20 years to take care of that? It's the sort of problem you should nip in the... erm, never mind.

Creep-you-out Friday

Yeah, it's Thursday. I'm not gonna be here tomorrow, though, so...
Porkchop purists, click over to rainbowpuke or something, and come back tomorrow. Those who want to read about a sherry enema immediately, read on (and thank God there aren't photos):

-----

Charges dismissed in sherry enema death

By Erwin Seba Thu Oct 4, 9:33 AM ET

HOUSTON (Reuters) - Charges have been dropped against a Texas woman who was accused of giving her husband a sherry enema that killed him, the prosecutor in the case said on Wednesday.

Tammy Jean Warner had been scheduled to face trial for negligent homicide in the May 2004 death of Michael Warner, 58, but Brazoria County District Attorney Jeri Yenne said the charges were dismissed a month ago for lack of evidence.

The dead man had had "a severe alcohol issue" and it was not clear his wife had committed a crime, Yenne said in a telephone interview.

"Let's say I have lung cancer and I continue to smoke. If you provide cigarettes to me, is that negligent homicide?" Yenne said.

"I really wrestled with the consent issue and negligence issue. I didn't think it rose to the level of negligent homicide."

At the time of Warner's indictment in 2005, police told the Houston Chronicle the woman had given her husband two large bottles of sherry, which raised his blood alcohol level to 0.47 percent, or nearly six times the level considered legally drunk in Texas.

Warner admitted administering the enema but denied she caused the death of her husband, who was a machine-shop operator. The incident occurred at their home in Lake Jackson, near Houston.

She told the newspaper her husband was addicted to enemas and often used alcohol in that manner. Police said Warner had a throat ailment that left him unable to drink the sherry.

Warner could not be reached for comment on Wednesday.

Yenne said a charge that Warner had burned her husband's will a month before his death was also dropped.

"We were never able to verify there was a signed, executed document," she said.

Straight from the you-know-where...

The hyperactive PR department at Colo State U. faxes us several releases each week. None has caught my attention like this one:

COLORADO STATE UNIVERSITY ANNOUNCES CHAIR IN EQUINE REPRODUCTION

Oh yes, they're announcing the creation of a new position, funded with a $3 million gift. They'll name the lucky person at a later date. Says the release: "With the addition of the new Iron Rose Ranch Chair, endowed chairs at the college now number six."

One presumes this chair is somewhat better-endowed than the others.