Robble robble.

Today's most spectacularly gorge-raising headline:

Man eats 23,000 Big Macs in 36 years

Yeah, I don't want to spoil the ending, but it turns out he might have a little bit of the ol' OCD.

Regrettable

I was just revisiting an old (old) favorite, the Gallery of Regrettable Food, which produced the marvel above. Worth spending a bit of time with - there's a lot of hilarious stuff there.

In other news, in today's Gazette you can read my review of a useful but spastic-looking shlepping tool, and tomorrow you can see me in a luchador mask, in some very prominent location (quite possibly A1). I'm quickly becoming the paper's go-to guy for shamelessness.

I'll take three

Thomas Kinkade + NASCAR = best thing ever. I had to go to the Web site just because I figured it was a misinterpreted Onion fake.

Next, I hope Kinkade will move on to a series of Calvin peeing on things.

Or use all three to make stew!

Here's an actual faxed press release we got late last week. It... well, it tells you how to use leftovers, is what it does. (OMG! i can has ham samwidjez?!)*

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Bunnies and Ham and Eggs, Oh My!

It’s almost that time of year again. You’re standing, dumbfounded, in front of a mound of hard boiled eggs, sliced ham and chocolate Easter bunnies. You wonder, “What am I going to do with 6 dozen eggs, 6 lbs. of ham and 25 chocolate bunnies?” The stress of it is almost enough to send you to bed for a week--or at least tear most of your hair out. Here are a few ideas and recipes from www.LivingOnADime.com to help you avoid both of those.

Leftover Bunnies: Take a rolling pin to them and crush the life out of them. Then use the crumbs to sprinkle on ice cream, use in milk shakes, stir into a mug of hot chocolate, use in place of chocolate chips for making cookies or melt for dipping fruit and candy.

Leftover Ham: Save bone for bean or split pea soup. Make ham salad, chef salad or ham sandwiches. Chop and freeze to use in: potato salad, scrambled eggs, omelets, to top baked potatoes, for potato soup, scalloped potatoes, au gratin potatoes, pasties or pizza- with pineapple.
Top tortilla with ham, salsa, and cheddar cheese and warm, for hot ham and cheese sandwiches.

Leftover Eggs: Make potato salad, tuna salad, pasta salad, chef salad, spinach salad with eggs and bacon, deviled eggs, golden morning sunshine or fill tomatoes with egg salad.

Golden Morning Sunshine
2 cups white sauce 4 eggs, hard boiled and chopped
Make white sauce. Once the white sauce has thickened, add eggs. Serve on toast.

White Sauce
¼ cup dry milk 1 cup cold water
2 Tbsp. flour 1 Tbsp. margarine
dash salt

In a covered jar, combine dry milk, flour and salt and mix well. Add water. Shake until all the ingredients are dissolved. Melt margarine in a 1 quart sauce pan. Stir in flour milk mixture and cook over low heat until mixture thickens and starts to bubble. Keep stirring until thickened completely.
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* Dude, I held out on the lolcat thing for a year. I'm not made of stone.

But it was free!

Here's the lede from a BBC story that illustrates the possible repercussions of complaining about your service. Click anywhere to be magically transported to the full crazy-pants article:

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, etc.

From the fax machine:

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This Applause is for YOU!

Introducing Cheers to You! The first and only CD filled with encouraging words and cheering applause! Ron Troutman of The Good Cheer Company wanted to create a CD that would make you feel acknowledged, feel good about yourself -- a CD where you'd smile (and keep smiling) while being reminded that you're worthy and valuable and deserving.

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Then, you can take your Totino's pizza out of the oven, crack open another Pabst and get back to your sentai anime marathon. Wouldn't want to overexert your self-esteem.

The release goes on to say "Cheers To You! has been featured twice on The Ellen DeGeneres Show." I believe that is also true of kids playing Guitar Hero, which means that we can officially presume that Ellen is intentionally leading us toward an idiocratic apocalypse. Thanks, hon.

We want Saget! We want Saget!

Furthering the spirit of the Hallmark holiday, a couple of e-cards from NBC, which may be feeling some extra brotherly love this week. Click the pictures if you really want to send one:




If I were you, I wouldn't send the "Office" one to a rabid fan of the show. She'll want to know why you couldn't send her an e-card that's up-to-date. Or, you know, flowers.

More stories like this, please

'Jesus' cosmetic row in Singapore

A leading retailer in Singapore has withdrawn a cosmetics range with a Jesus theme after complaints from local Roman Catholics, local media report.

The range, named Lookin' Good for Jesus, was on sale at three Topshop outlets in the Asian city state.

Catholics complained the cosmetics' marketing was disrespectful, full of sexual innuendo and trivialised Christianity.

About 15% of Singapore's 4.4 million population is Christian.

The products included a "Virtuous vanilla" lip balm and a "Get Tight with Christ" hand and body cream, featuring a picture of Christ flanked by two adoring women.
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Click the headline for the full story from BBC, and a picture. How can you not?

All together now: "D'oh!"

That's the image that greeted me today when I logged into e-mail. Mind you, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't recognize Steve Jobs if he walked up to me and said "Hi, I'm Steve Jobs," but I am reasonably familiar with the gentleman pictured above, and that ain't him.

(Clicking through showed me the entire photo, which indeed captured Jobs in front of a screen with a 20-foot image of Homer on it. Maybe they meant to crop it differently for the splash page.)

In other news, you may have seen last week's story on the Hannah Montana body double. It wasn't particularly noteworthy, except that it gave us the quote of the young year, from Pollstar editor-in-chief Gary Bongiovanni:

"There are absolutely laws of physics that prevent you from doing gee-whiz things without some hocus-pocus."

I'm too lazy to read all of Newton's laws. Can someone check this one for me?

Creep-you-out Friday

Behold the ghastly splash graphic at preciousmoments.com:*


There are several spine-chilling elements to this picture. First, there's the fact that at this resolution, you can't see any facial features except the gigantic, black, soulless eyes of the supposedly cute dolls.

But then there's the unspeakably evil tagline, "Celebrate precious blessings," juxtaposed with the rictus of pain on the face of the girl, who appears to be celebrating, if anything, some kind of hernia. We could call her eyes soulless as well, but it would be to miss the implicit cry for help:

"Please, mister," they say, "save me from this lifetime of forced labor. Take my bushel of apples and put me out of my misery quickly."

Maybe the "precious blessing" is cheap apples at the supermarket - but at what price?


*It's probably best not to ask what I was doing on preciousmoments.com in the first place.

Potty humor overload

I'm not sure that, humor-wise, I can improve on the mere fact of this product's existence. Have a press release:

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Transform Your Toilet Lid In Seconds.
Uniquely Decorative Toilet Tattoos Make Bathrooms Flush With Beauty.
www.Toilet-Tattoos.com

(Macedonia, Ohio) - It's a product that will add a creative new decorating touch to bathrooms and restrooms worldwide. For years, the only toilet decorating options were the dreaded rug-like covers that Grandma used or the more permanent decorative seat. But now a new patent pending concept in toilet décor called Toilet Tattoos is aimed at satisfying today's modern need for an easy, quick and changeable decorating solution.

The Toilet Tattoos are the only toilet lid embellishment on the market that is removable, reusable and wipes clean. Toilet Tattoos can transform the look of the toilet by just peeling it from its backer card packaging, placing it on the toilet lid and smoothing it out. Because Toilet Tattoos are made from electrostatic vinyl film; they are reusable and will not harm the toilet lid when removed. Toilet Tattoos come in a wide array of designs including: classic patterns, wallpaper styles, whimsical themes, floral scenes, seasonal & holiday motifs and more. The company is also able to reproduce original paintings or photographs onto the Toilet Tattoos.

A sexy rail-splittin' man

Is it just me, or does Abe's portrait look more confident and virile when removed from its silly oval prison?

"Hey, ladies. That's right, I signed the Homestead Act of 1862 and the Morrill Land-Grant Colleges Act. Who wants to see my stovepipe hat collection?"

Hurri-chicanery

This just in by fax:

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PLEASE BE ADVISED:
CANCUN WAS NOT AFFECTED BY HURRICANE DEAN
For all of you that have not taken advantage of the company vacation to Cancun, Mexico, the price has dropped on the few remaining vacation slots.
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Thanks, "Human Resources Dept." You've perfectly figured out why I'm dragging my feet despite your frequent invitations to share in this special offer. Way to assuage my fears.

Outside the portmanteau

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MyChelle Dermaceuticals Introduces Exotic Fruit-Based Skin Care Lines

FRISCO,Colo. (August 9, 2007) - The natural skin care innovators at MyChelle Dermaceuticals have once again traveled the world to discover unique botanical ingredients with amazing antioxidants that are as healthy used on the skin as in the body! MyChelle introduces new products that are veritable fruit cocktails for the skin including exotic extracts and pulp from acai, mangosteen, camu camu, green apple and coconut. Each ingredient has its own set of magical propertiesthat aid in brightening, smoothing, tightening and toning aged and sun-damaged skin.

"We have always gone outside the box to create the most outstanding natural skin products without the use of harsh chemical ingredients," says Myra Michelle Eby, founder of MyChelle Dermaceuticals. "We are extremely excited about the efficacy of our new products and proprietary breakthrough ingredients that we've created from unique ingredients from around the world."
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This release came today by fax. I was going to make fun of it, but (a) it's a local company, (b) the owner correctly used the word "efficacy," and (c) "dermaceuticals" is kind of a cute neologism.
Also, all those fruits appear to be real, and not figments of Eby's imagination as I first suspected. Good on ya, MyChelle.

Final thought: As "outside the box" is now its own box, I'm calling for a worldwide effort to come up with a new expression. We will use it for a year or so, before moving on to the next one.

Need a quick bite in the morning?

Faithful reader Joanna B. forwarded this important message from Wendy's:

"Wendy's is now serving breakfast at a restaurant in the Colorado Springs - Pueblo area: 9960 Santa Fe Trail Drive, Trinidad"

Google Maps puts the drive from Pueblo at 1 hour 18 minutes, and the drive from Colorado Springs at 1:55. Also, as much as I'm sure we'd all like it to be, a Frosty is not really a proper breakfast. Apart from that, I'm totally stoked!

Amateur chicanery

Here's some fax spam in the guise of a clipped magazine article, with the headline: "Cancun Voted #1 Growing Vacation Destination in the World." A handwritten note at the top says "Thought you'd find this interesting." Here's the first paragraph - it's all pretty funny, but if you must skip ahead, at least read the last two sentences:

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CANCUN - If you're looking to go on a vacation Cancun might be the place for you. A recent worldwide poll judged vacation hotspots on several categories including cost, resort quality, weather, safety, food, entertainment, and overall traveler satisfaction. Cancun took 1st place in an impressive 21 of 24 categories. Although we can't endorse any travel companies our editors found prices in the $300's for all inclusive packages from a reputable company. Their toll free number is 800 555-5555.

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What integrity!

The second-best part is that the number is circled, and there's a note in the margin that says "This is the number I called - 1-800-555-5555."

The third-best part is that the "article" has a double byline.

Where in the world?

We got a new Hammacher Schlemmer catalog today (it says "Mid-Summer Supplement," and thankfully is not tied to the holidays). If you've seen these things, you know that they're always filled with stuff that's kinda cool but (a) wildly impractical, or (b) extravagantly expensive, or both.

But there are frequently things that are such good ideas that they're worth, say, $40, and if you're a geography nerd like me, one example is the Select-a-Map personalized jigsaw puzzle. As the catalog explains:

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This is the only custom jigsaw puzzle created for you from a U.S. Geological Survey topographic map when you select any address in the United States. Once you send your selected address, house number, street name, city, and state, to the manufacturer, a 400-piece jigsaw puzzle kit is created using quality 1.5mm millboard and delivered in a gift box that includes an area on the front for a personalized message. The puzzle is created from a 1:24,000 resolution map, and displays an area six miles east-west and four miles north-south of the address provided, and includes details such as main roads, contour lines, water features, and buildings; the center piece of the puzzle is shaped like a house.

It begins.

Today I caught what I suspect was the newsroom's first call of the year requesting information about our Holiday Gift Guide. So, I figured I'd let you all know that there are only 155 shopping days until Christmas.

You're welcome.

Harry Potter and the Excruciating Wait

Dear Porkchop:
With the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows so close, why are you being silent on the matter? Does all the other weird stuff you write about require you to live under a rock or something?

Dear Reader:
No. It's just that the anticipation is making me sweaty and nauseated, and my doctor says I should stop thinking about the book. But if you must have some HP-related esoterica, I suppose my health is of no importance - so I trolled Amazon for the most bizarre toys I could find (for those keeping track at home, there are 490 hits in the "Toys & Games" section. I hope you're happy.

Pictured above is the plush Monster Book of Monsters, which can be yours for $18.95. It's especially awesome because one of the bullet points under "Product Features" is "Stroke the binding and it will open right up, but try and force it open and it just may attack!" - presumably not a feature of the actual cuddly plaything.

Also available is a Deluxe Sorting Hat, perfect for pretending repeatedly that you're being herded into Gryffindor (really, people, there are three other houses). Or you could get a Harry Potter Lantern, if you'd rather pretend that... um... you've forgotten the lumos spell.

One thing that I might actually get if it wasn't $50 is the Triwizard Cup. I can only imagine the hours of fun... uh, clutching the body of a dead young acquaintance while pulling the Cup toward me with a string because I'm not really a wizard.

Can we get the freaking book already? I'm starting to feel faint again.