Extra creep for your 3-day

Creep-you-out Friday

An enormous spider web has been found at Lake Tawakoni State Park, Texas, US.

That's the actual lede from this actual story. Not included: the sound of Ron Weasley whimpering like an ickle ginger baby. [/geek]

Scott Baio. Really?

So, the e-mail begins this way:

Hi Dena,
Scott Baio was a notorious bachelor until he hired a life-coach. A couple months later, he proposed to his girlfriend and got over his fears of commitment.

Apparently it goes on and on about the need for life coaching. But I didn't pay much attention, because I was stuck at the first 6 words.

Scott Baio was a notorious bachelor

Really?

Recognizing a bathroom solicitation

This is hilarious. A newscaster and weatherman act out the moves that apparently prompted an undercover officer to charge Idaho's Larry Craig of solicitation. See it on Incoming, from asap.

Scroll down to the bottom of the homepage and click on the Incoming symbol, shown above. Look for "News you can use in the bathroom"

Hurri-chicanery

This just in by fax:

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PLEASE BE ADVISED:
CANCUN WAS NOT AFFECTED BY HURRICANE DEAN
For all of you that have not taken advantage of the company vacation to Cancun, Mexico, the price has dropped on the few remaining vacation slots.
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Thanks, "Human Resources Dept." You've perfectly figured out why I'm dragging my feet despite your frequent invitations to share in this special offer. Way to assuage my fears.

Straight from the you-know-where...

The hyperactive PR department at Colo State U. faxes us several releases each week. None has caught my attention like this one:

COLORADO STATE UNIVERSITY ANNOUNCES CHAIR IN EQUINE REPRODUCTION

Oh yes, they're announcing the creation of a new position, funded with a $3 million gift. They'll name the lucky person at a later date. Says the release: "With the addition of the new Iron Rose Ranch Chair, endowed chairs at the college now number six."

One presumes this chair is somewhat better-endowed than the others.

Creep-you-out Friday

No, I haven't forgotten that I have to creep you out. It's just been a long day at Porkchop central - which is why I punted, and typed "creepy" into Google image search. Fortunately, it didn't disappoint:


Sweet dreams, dear readers, until next week.

You had me a "freshly severed heads"

I got a press release today from Smithsonian magazine. Certainly grabbed my attention. Here's the top:

"Understanding the smile is serious business. For example, did you know that the freshly severed heads of executed criminals and revolutionaries were the first specimens used to study the mechanistic nature of human facial expressions? Over 150 years later, scientists can confidently say that facial expressions are innate. Facial expressions, and especially the smile, constitute a system of unconscious communication that got built into our biology long before language itself.

The August issue of Smithsonian magazine explores how scientists are finding there is a lot more to one of the most complex human expressions than meets the eye."

I knew I should have renewed my subscription this year.

Let's get physical

Today we got a faxed press release with this headline:

New Book about 'Galloping Gamows' Shows Relationship between Physics and Cowboys

Immediately I thought, "that relationship has already been established." You see, I was reminded of this classic from the fun-with-clip-art Web site stripcreator.com:


Fun, no?
As a special comics-related bonus, enjoy this panel from yesterday's "Luann":

Grrr!

Get your Michael Vick Chew Toy! Yours for only $10.99 (plus S&H)

Porkchop: Is it true a portion of sales of the Michael Vick Chew Toy (pictured above) will go to animal charities?

A: Apparently so. There's been a lot of discussion on this topic since it was first brought to our attention a few weeks ago by former Gaz writer Paul Asay. (It seemed kinda hinky to include on Porkchop until a few Qs were A'd.) But the makers insist some money will go to organizations that help animals.

Hey, if all the money is going to pay someone's mortgage, so be it. The thought of Vick chew toy made me snicker. Even though at this point he's innocent of all charges. If you don't believe we're all about mockery these day, read the comments on any given Gazette story.

Creep-you-out Friday

(click on the image to enlarge, or go here to read the whole thing)

The commenter on the consistently funny blog where I found this said that "to know the full effect, the aroma should be included."

Add It Up

Rock geeks like yours truly are all atwitter over the news that bassist Brian Ritchie of the Violent Femmes is suing lead singer and main songwriter Gordon Gano over nonpayment of royalties - and, partially, for "trashing the band's reputation by allowing its signature hit, 'Blister in the Sun,' to be used in a Wendy's commercial."

On that last score, Mr. Ritchie, your disappointment is duly noted, and is shared by many of your fans. However, I'd remind you that "Blister" is now 24 years old. Its presence in a national commercial, on balance, can hardly hurt anything. At best, it exposes the song to more of the amorous teenagers for whom it was written - and they'll be delighted to find out how graphic and anthemic the song is, and its album as well. Really, placing the song in a hamburger ad is pretty subversive, from where I'm standing.

Besides, the gold standard for selling out was set earlier this year, when "Express Yourself" was used in a Botox commercial. That's right, N.W.A. are now de facto pitchmen for a product that helps middle-aged white women get rid of their wrinkles - and Dr. Dre and Ice Cube have a lot more cred to lose.

Mind you, I don't know the details of your case, and you may have good grounds to sue - but the reputation-trashing argument has got to go. In fact, maybe you should "do what tastes right" and start placing other songs. Might I suggest "Country Death Song" and "Dance, MF, Dance"?

If you've got $$ to burn

My brother, an avid ebay surfer, sent this:

A bottle of beer that sold earlier this week for $503,300.

Check it out here:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ih=016&sspagename=STRK%3AMEWA%3AIT&viewitem=&item=260145824374&rd=1

How many 6ers of PBR is that?

The beam in thine own eye

I frequently read a very funny blog called Passive-Aggressive Notes. Basically, people submit nasty notes and e-mails they've gotten, and then commenters line up on one side or the other, all to humorous effect (you have to be there, so go. I'll wait).

Anyway, one recent comment was unintentionally funny enough that I had to repost it here:

"Personally I would have serious difficulty mustering up the embarrassment/concern that I’m sure this letter was intended to provoke, for one simple reason. LOOK AT THAT GRAMMER!!"

w00t week

Yes, I made it myself. In Paint. Were you going to do it? I think not.

Creep-you-out Friday

I, for one, welcome our Lego overlords.

Outside the portmanteau

-----
MyChelle Dermaceuticals Introduces Exotic Fruit-Based Skin Care Lines

FRISCO,Colo. (August 9, 2007) - The natural skin care innovators at MyChelle Dermaceuticals have once again traveled the world to discover unique botanical ingredients with amazing antioxidants that are as healthy used on the skin as in the body! MyChelle introduces new products that are veritable fruit cocktails for the skin including exotic extracts and pulp from acai, mangosteen, camu camu, green apple and coconut. Each ingredient has its own set of magical propertiesthat aid in brightening, smoothing, tightening and toning aged and sun-damaged skin.

"We have always gone outside the box to create the most outstanding natural skin products without the use of harsh chemical ingredients," says Myra Michelle Eby, founder of MyChelle Dermaceuticals. "We are extremely excited about the efficacy of our new products and proprietary breakthrough ingredients that we've created from unique ingredients from around the world."
-----

This release came today by fax. I was going to make fun of it, but (a) it's a local company, (b) the owner correctly used the word "efficacy," and (c) "dermaceuticals" is kind of a cute neologism.
Also, all those fruits appear to be real, and not figments of Eby's imagination as I first suspected. Good on ya, MyChelle.

Final thought: As "outside the box" is now its own box, I'm calling for a worldwide effort to come up with a new expression. We will use it for a year or so, before moving on to the next one.

Need a quick bite in the morning?

Faithful reader Joanna B. forwarded this important message from Wendy's:

"Wendy's is now serving breakfast at a restaurant in the Colorado Springs - Pueblo area: 9960 Santa Fe Trail Drive, Trinidad"

Google Maps puts the drive from Pueblo at 1 hour 18 minutes, and the drive from Colorado Springs at 1:55. Also, as much as I'm sure we'd all like it to be, a Frosty is not really a proper breakfast. Apart from that, I'm totally stoked!

Amateur chicanery

Here's some fax spam in the guise of a clipped magazine article, with the headline: "Cancun Voted #1 Growing Vacation Destination in the World." A handwritten note at the top says "Thought you'd find this interesting." Here's the first paragraph - it's all pretty funny, but if you must skip ahead, at least read the last two sentences:

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CANCUN - If you're looking to go on a vacation Cancun might be the place for you. A recent worldwide poll judged vacation hotspots on several categories including cost, resort quality, weather, safety, food, entertainment, and overall traveler satisfaction. Cancun took 1st place in an impressive 21 of 24 categories. Although we can't endorse any travel companies our editors found prices in the $300's for all inclusive packages from a reputable company. Their toll free number is 800 555-5555.

-----

What integrity!

The second-best part is that the number is circled, and there's a note in the margin that says "This is the number I called - 1-800-555-5555."

The third-best part is that the "article" has a double byline.

Hitting the big time

This blog occasionally posts funny subject lines from spam e-mails, but eagle-eyed reader Bill R. of Colorado Springs just caught the first known instance of the spam world's reciprocation. His inbox had an ad for male enhancement with this subject:

cosmopolitan pork chop

w00t, says I.

Band names keep on comin'

• From a spam e-mail subject line: Raspy Pit Viper
• From our office admin: Superdemic
• Ibid: Stuffed Freezer Explosion
• From the previous Porkchop post: Hum Don't Blow
  

I couldn't get the time off work

Singers Fail to Build Largest Kazoo Band
By Samantha Gross (AP)

Members of a 1980s funk and disco group hit a sour note in their attempt to break the world record for the largest kazoo ensemble, falling short of the some 2,600 impromptu musicians needed.

Organizers were hoping to sign up 3,000 impromptu players for the evening attempt in Harlem, which was led by the female vocalists of Skyy. Their 1980 song "Skyyzoo" featured the sound of kazoos being played for some gentle backup.

That backup still managed to get louder Thursday, with more than 2,000 amateur musicians turning out for the concert.

The current kazoo record was set this past New Year's Eve in Rochester, where 2,600 kazooers gathered to play shortly before midnight. Before that, The Quincy Park Band had held the record for gathering 1,791 players in Quincy, Ill., in 2004.

Creep-you-out Friday

Breaking the convention of unsettling-but-funny stuff, here's a CYOF entry that actually creeps the living bejeezus out of me:

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Arkansas Couple Welcomes 17th Child

By JILL ZEMAN
Associated Press Writer

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (AP) -- It's a girl - again - for the Duggars. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar welcomed their 17th child, and seventh daughter, into the world Thursday.

Jennifer Danielle was born at 10:01 a.m. at Saint Mary's Hospital in Rogers, Ark., the Duggars said in an interview. Jennifer weighed 8 pounds, 8 ounces and arrived five days after Michelle's due date.

Less than 30 minutes after giving birth, the Duggars already were talking of having more.

"We'd love to have more," Michelle said, adding that the girls are outnumbered seven to 10 in the family. "We love the ruffles and lace."

Jennifer joins the fast-growing Duggar brood, who live in Tontitown in a 7,000-square-foot home. All the children - whose names start with the letter J - are home-schooled.

The oldest is 19 and the youngest, before Jennifer, is almost 2 years old.

"We are just so grateful to God for another gift from him," said Jim Bob Duggar, 42, a former state representative. "We are just so thankful to him that everything went just very well."

Non sequitur Thursday

Here's the first clause of page 4 of a 4-page fax, the rest of which had already been spirited away (one hopes by the intended recipient):

"California, Oregon, and Washington, where the dark goose bag limit does not include brant."

I call dibs on the band name "dark goose bag limit."

Truer words, etc.

Amelie Gillette of The Onion's AV Club has rightly castigated Jason Lee for joining the ranks of the funny people who "coast by on their former reputation and make new, terribly bland things." Why am I reposting? Because of this awesome quote from her diatribe which should, starting now, replace "jump the shark" as the ultimate awfulness meme:
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Truly, nothing says "I have stopped trying" like holding a dog dressed as a superhero while standing on a red carpet next to scorched failure in the shape of Jim Belushi.