Moved.

Ask Porkchop has finally followed the rest of The Gazette's blogs to an in-house blogging system. So, its new address is http://askporkchop.freedomblogging.com.

Were you expecting a joke or something?

Funny? Sad? Yes.

SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

DEAR AMERICAN:

I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON

Gettin' my boson

Is it yet passe to comment on the Large Hadron Collider? Probably. But it's still a really weird and fascinating thing, so too bad.

The UK's Telegraph reported over the weekend that the scientists are soliciting catchier names for the 17-mile-long device, which rams subatomic particles into each other really fast, and almost certainly won't cause the earth to be swallowed by an accidental black hole.

The Telegraph's commenters came up with some decidedly snappy ideas:

• Mr. Smashy Pants
• The Big Banger
• The One Ring
• Kabloomitron
• Colliderscope
• The Rectumizer

At least a dozen of the cheeky blighters thought they were the first to notice the hilarity that would ensue if you transposed a couple of letters in "hadron." Wrong! Evidently that honor goes to a copy editor at the New York times.

Still tiny after all these years

Porkchop has reported before on BBC's fixation on the world's smallest man. But whereas the last photo was creepy, this one is... well, it's still pretty much creepy. If they'd caught the little guy sneaking a peek, then we'd have something.

It's official!

...we have awful, awful taste in music. As a nation, I mean.

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`The Twist' is top song of Billboard Hot 100 era

By NEKESA MUMBI MOODY, AP music writer

How's this for a twist: Of all the No. 1 songs in the 50 years of the Billboard Hot 100 chart, Chubby Checker's "The Twist" ranks as the most popular single.

Elvis and the Beatles didn't even make the top five.

Santana's "Smooth," featuring Rob Thomas, is the No. 2 most popular, followed by Bobby Darin's "Mack the Knife," Leann Rimes' "How Do I Live" and "The Macarena" by Los Del Rio.

The Beatles did make the top 10, coming it at No. 8 with "Hey Jude." But Olivia Newton-John's "Physical" and Debby Boone's "You Light Up My Life" are ahead of that hit.

Rounding out the top 10: Mariah Carey's "We Belong Together" at No. 9 and Toni Braxton's "Un-break My Heart" at No. 10.

Burn it! Burn it with fire!

Getty Images shows us how Fairbanks, Alaska, consistently defends its title as The Creepiest Freaking Place On Earth.

For only a few minutes, I thought this "realistic" Kirby would be the skeeviest thing I saw today:

Sadly, no.

Robble robble.

Today's most spectacularly gorge-raising headline:

Man eats 23,000 Big Macs in 36 years

Yeah, I don't want to spoil the ending, but it turns out he might have a little bit of the ol' OCD.

Band name, anyone?

Readers of the UK's Bookseller magazine voted the 1996 book "Greek Rural Postmen and their Cancellation Numbers" the oddest title of the past 30 years. Which is no mean feat, considering the competition - here are the winners of the annual prize for the past 10 years:

1998: Development in Dairy Cow Breeding and Management: and New Opportunities to Widen the Uses of Straw

1999: Weeds in a Changing World

2000: High Performance Stiffened Structures

2001: Butterworths Corporate Manslaughter Service

2002: Living With Crazy Buttocks

2003: The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories

2004: Bombproof Your Horse

2005: People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It

2006: The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification

2007: If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs

In case you're curious just how intense the annual competitions are, behold these other 2006 nominees: "How Green Were the Nazis?", "D. Di Mascio’s Delicious Ice Cream: D. Di Mascio of Coventry: An Ice Cream Company of Repute, with an Interesting and Varied Fleet of Ice Cream Vans," "Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan," "Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium," and "Better Never To Have Been: The Harm of Coming Into Existence."

You, sir, are a poopypants

Sure, the presidential campaign is heating up, but at least we can always count on the press to keep a level head, deliver important information, and present us occasionally with careful, considered and respectful opinions.

I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Suddenly I got this odd feeling like I hate everyone.

Fun with wire photos

Presidential nominees Barack Obama and John McCain shared a heated exchange today, after Obama, evidently by accident, stepped on McCain's foot.

The Arizona senator later apologized for overreacting, going so far as to kiss the cheek of his Democratic rival.

In a recurring theme of the campaign, supporters of Hillary Clinton (right, in a photo from earlier in the year) were offended by their candidate's apparent snub.

The saddest news ever

(CNN) -- Don LaFontaine, the voiceover king whose "In a world ..." phrase on movie trailers was much copied -- and much parodied -- has died, according to media reports. He was 68.

LaFontaine died Monday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, California, according to ETOnline, "Entertainment Tonight's" Web site. He died from complications from pneumothorax, a collapsed lung that causes air to build in the pleural cavity, his agent, Vanessa Gilbert, told "ET."

LaFontaine, who was born in Duluth, Minnesota, began as a voice actor in the mid-1960s while working as a recording engineer, according to his Web site. His strong, slightly gravelly voice was featured on trailers for thousands of films, including "The Godfather," "Fatal Attraction" and "Terminator 2: Judgment Day." For a time in the late '70s, LaFontaine was the official voice of Paramount Pictures.

His favorite work was one he did for the 1980 film "The Elephant Man," he said in interviews, but whether the film was Oscar-caliber or a bomb waiting to blow, he handled every assignment equally.

"My philosophy is that you have to really believe what you're reading, even if you think the film's a piece of junk," he told Swindle magazine. "Even the worst picture is someone's favorite film, and that someone is the fan I am always talking to."

The Knights Who Say (nomi-) Ni!

Joe Biden (left) and Barack Obama practice for the three-legged race,

which will determine the presidency in the event of an electoral college tie.

Speaking of Obama (and who isn't?), apparently the final musical performer of the evening is Michael McDonald. The unassailably cool Democratic nominee, who could have chosen just about any musician in America to play him onto the stage, picked Michael Freaking McDonald.

Don't get me wrong: seeing Michael McDonald on TV definitely makes me hungry for change. Just probably not the kind Obama had in mind. I hoped we had come farther than that in the 14 months since Celinegate.

Awkward seal tableau

Let's get dizzy

The website you go to when you click here is pretty much indescribable. And indescribably awesome. And it takes about 10 seconds to cycle through the whole thing. If you're sober. Why haven't you clicked yet?!

Caramel hell-planet

Last week Andy W. alerted me to the McSweeney's piece, Selections from H.P. Lovecraft's Brief Tenure as a Whitman's Sampler Copywriter. If the title alone didn't make you LOL, congratulations! You're not a geek. Anyway, here's a... uh, a sample:


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Caramel Chew

There is a dimension ruled by a blind caramel God-King who sits on a vast, cyclopean milk-chocolate throne while his mindless, gooey followers dance to the piping of crazed flutes. It is said that there are gateways in our world that lead to this caramel hell-planet. The delectable Caramel Chew may be one such portal.

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It reminded me of this old favorite chestnut from Stripcreator (you'll probably have to click it to read it):

...or maybe it's pudding.

Growing weary of waiting on tenterhooks for The Announcement, I cruised over to Time's list of the 13 worst vice presidents - and yes, Cheney's on there, thus confirming the media's liberal bias. Anyway, I learned that history is funny. Even when Ross Perot isn't in it. Check out this fact about Van Buren's #2, Richard M. Johnson:

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"While in office, he proposed an expedition to the North Pole so Americans could drill to the center of the Earth, believing the planet was hollow (his resolution was defeated). Evidently van Buren's experience with Johnson soured him on vice presidents altogether — when he ran for re-election he dropped Johnson from his ticket and didn't bother replacing him. Instead, he ran alone."

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At least, of course, he didn't murder the guy on the $10 bill.

Let's see you do this, Phelps*

"About a year ago a YouTube poster uploaded a video of a glitch in Tiger Woods 08. He was able to get Tiger to stand on top of a lake and drive the ball into the hole. In response, EA just came out with this viral video to show that what the poster had claimed, is indeed true in real life."

That's how Kotaku describes this totally rad commercial for Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2009, available this fall for every system known to man (except, of course, my Super Nintendo).

*Just because Porkchop is a bit late to Everyone Talk About Phelps All The Time Week doesn't mean we can't play catchup, dammit.

Fail, indeed

I've been remiss in not mentioning Failblog (from the folks who brought us ICHC), which I've added to my rotation of blogs to check regularly. A lot of the stuff is old and repurposed, but it's almost all irresponsibly hilarious.

The post that picture came from isn't so much funny as scary, though it certainly counts as an epic fail. Bonus: Watch until after 1:10, when the dude gets out to inspect the hole.

Arf, arf, arf.

Michael Phelps returns to his tank at Sea World

A funny, if perfunctory, Onion story in the classic pile-on-the-jokes style - because God forbid anyone should be successful in a sport.

Oh - and what's that you ask? You would like to see an unrelated Gazette photo that I doctored in MS Paint a year and a half ago and rediscovered just now because of its alphabetical approximation to "Phelps"? Well, OK!

The Olympics story I'd like to read

Yes, Michael Phelps may now wear more gold around his neck than Mark Spitz, but the world record holder, who is quite safe, has yet to be mentioned in all the press I've read:




I pity the journalistic fool who doesn't give Mr. T his propers.