Gifts keep coming

In case you don't have 2:40 for the Beatnix video - this one comes from faithful reader Jennifer W. (no relation to Andy). Apparently Colin wasn't happy with what his computer animation class taught him (check out the dedication on the last screen).

The gift of pastiche

Yeah, it's been a slow month at Porkchop Central, but, like frugal parents everywhere, we've been saving up for one really great Christmas present.

In this case, Santa is being played by alert reader Andy W., who unearthed a gem that evidently originated on an Australian TV special. In any case, it's a great three-minute alternative to the longish hobbity madness of one of history's most revered and reviled songs.

Without further ado: ladies and gentlemen, THE BEATNIX!

Dear Santa

Original `Knight Rider' Car Up for Sale

Friday, December 21, 2007 8:07:26 AM

An original KITT -- the talking car that helped David Hasselhoff escape bad guys on the '80s TV series "Knight Rider" -- is up for sale on eBay.

The black 1984 Pontiac Trans Am is being sold to satisfy the debts of a slain real estate developer, whose killing last year is unsolved. Boats, cars and other items owned by car aficionado Andrew Kissel already have been sold after creditors claimed he owed $30 million.

One bid -- for the $20,000 minimum -- had been posted on eBay as of Thursday.

"I'm a little surprised because it is a unique car," said attorney Patrick R. Gil, administrator of Kissel's estate. "My understanding is that there were only four of them made specifically for the television series. I expected some 'Knight Rider' lovers to jump on it."

Movie idea

Stephen Colbert is Jake Gyllenhaal in "Bubble Boy 2"!


From the Beeb.

There is only Thule

That's a screenshot from Thule Trail, an "Oregon Trail" update from the makers of the ubiquitous roof racks. Get from Chicago to Santa Barbara in time for the Atlantis Music Festival... and watch out for purple nurples.

Let us celebrate with w00t beer

This year's Merriam-Webster word of the year is much more useful than "truthiness."

1. w00t (interjection)
expressing joy (it could be after a triumph, or for no reason at all);
similar in use to the word "yay"

2. facebook
   
   
3. conundrum
   
   
4. quixotic
   
   
5. blamestorm
   
   
6. sardoodledom
   
   
7. apathetic
   
   
8. Pecksniffian
   
   
9. hypocrite
   
   
10. charlatan

For what it's worth, "Pecksniffian" means "unctuously hypocritical," and comes from the name of a Dickens character. I'm kinda amazed I've never heard it on "Family Guy."

Aisle 6, next to the Hindu beef jerky

Alert reader Andy W. passed along this gem. Here's the blog post it came from, where you'll learn that every ham in the store had this same signage. L'Chaim!

Boy does he ever shred.

My latest issue of Guitar Player turned me on to this guy, who takes videos of famous people wailing away on guitar, and overdubs crappy playing that kinda matches the finger movements. It's available in Santana, Vai, Iron Maiden and other flavors - all of which make me giggle like a wee girl.

No one who isn't a musician has laughed as hard as me when I showed them, so I might as well take a poll:

(a) Are you a musician?
(b) Is this really, really funny?

R.I.P. Evel Knievel

Crazy stunt rider, owner of the raddest name ever, and at least ten times cooler than Super Dave.

About that name, Wikipedia says:

-----
With a lot of time on his hands, Knievel began to get into more and more trouble around Butte. After one particular police chase in 1956 in which he crashed his motorcycle, Knievel was taken to jail on a charge of reckless driving. When the night jailer came around to check the roll, he noted Robert Knievel in one cell and William Knofel in the other. Knofel was well known as "Awful Knofel," so Knievel began to be referred to as Evel Knievel. The nickname stuck.
-----

Apocryphal? Maybe. Awesome? Yes sir. Mr. Knievel, you will be missed.

A dip trip to flip chip substrate

The Gazette Sports e-mail box, having existed with the same address since roughly the beginning of time, gets a wide variety of bizarre off-topic e-mails. Take, for instance, this newsletter post from smtnet.com:

-----
Optimizing Flip Chip Substrate Layout for Assembly

High-density flip chip applications are commonly limited by the available substrate technologies. Accordingly, considerable design efforts are focussed on the optimized routing of signal, power and ground connections. More often overlooked are some of the effects of the substrate surface layout on assembly yields.

-----

The first person who can tell me what any of that means wins something. Probably just the derisive sneers of your peers and loved ones, but that qualifies as "something," right?

Creep-you-out Friday

Looking into their eyes, I know beyond a doubt that each one of these ponies is waiting for me to show the merest flash of weakness, so they can surge forward and suck my soul out through my nostrils. The fact that they are evidently coming corporeally to my town fills me with abject terror.

Fortunately, it's easy enough to distract myself by giggling at the pre-order password. Hee.

What big eyes you have

We just got this release from Colorado State:

-----
VARIETY OF FACTORS CONTRIBUTED TO AVERAGE HURRICANE SEASON IN 2007, CSU FORECAST TEAM SAYS
-----

Well, I was relieved when I saw that. I had just been wondering, "Why was this year's hurricane season so average? If only someone could tell me why it was neither particularly mild nor severe. Be it one or two compelling and interesting reasons, or various minor ones, I simply must know. Perhaps someone in Fort Collins, Colorado, could tell me!" My prayers, it would seem, had been answered - but my confidence in their abilities faded when I read the lede:

-----
FORT COLLINS - Cooler water and wind shear in the central tropical Atlantic resulted in this season not being above average as predicted by the Colorado State University hurricane forecast team.
-----

So, really, they just sent us a press release to highlight their forecasting ineptitude. Way to go, PR team! If I may, let me suggest this alternate headline:

-----
OUR BAD, CSU HURRICANE TEAM SAYS
"Maybe we should move closer to the ocean"

Just call his name.

This from the fax machine:

-----

Holy Rodent! New Singing Mouse Delivers Religious Experience.

The creator of a new plush singing mouse claims it is bringing people of all religions closer to God. Aptly named "Angel Mouse," it sings three verses from the song "I'll Be There," which was made famous by pop idols Mariah Carey and Michael Jackson."

Creator Jay Kimhi says that the mouse is having a religious effect on those who listen to it. "I made Angel Mouse because there was too much bad news on TV and I thought this would lighten the mood. I never expected the strong emotional reactions I've witnessed from people who've listened to this mouse."

According to Kamhi, the reactions have ranged from sobs to laughter. "I've seen normal people spontaneously burst into tears as they listen to the mouse sing."

-----

This reporter suspects that Kamhi is using an alternate definition of the word "normal," but one thing's for sure: you owe it to yourself to listen to Angel Mouse.

Two news quickies

The second version of that last headline sounds like a children's book title. The other one sounds like a boring rapper story. I never thought I'd argue against proper punctuation, but there you are.

Meanwhile, Al Gore is apparently practicing for a new career as an illusionist. "I will now make your CO2 emissions... disappear!"

Creep-you-out Friday

This picture from goairforcefalcons.com must have been recently declassified:



It's good to know that the military is finally able to acknowledge the existence of these fascinating, if imperfect, human/octopus hybrids, although it disturbs me a bit to see it dressed this way. Can't we at least let our genetic abominations have some dignity?

Our princess is in another castle

There aren't many things that make me teary-eyed but we can add to the list marching bands assuming the form of the Triforce while playing the Hyrule theme. If that didn't make sense to you, then (a) joo are teh suxxor, and (b) don't bother clicking through.

Paris-elephant update

This from the wire: "Lori Berk, a publicist for Hilton, says she never made any comments about helping drunken elephants in India."

If it was indeed a hoax, please let the record show that we totally called it - not that the story was that widespread anyway.

Furthermore, if the hoax was started by someone in India, we officially declare it the second-weirdest story from there today. Behold the first-weirdest:

-----

NEW DELHI - A man in southern India married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony as an attempt to atone for stoning two other dogs to death — an act he believes cursed him — a newspaper reported Tuesday.

P. Selvakumar married the sari-draped former stray named Selvi, chosen by family members and then bathed and clothed for the ceremony Sunday at a Hindu temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, the Hindustan Times newspaper said.

Selvakumar, 33, told the paper he had been suffering since he stoned two dogs to death and hung their bodies from a tree 15 years ago.

"After that my legs and hands got paralyzed and I lost hearing in one ear," he said in the report.

A ringing endorsement

I sometimes write about music, which means I sometimes get press releases about bands. Today it was Rockfour, and their album "Memories of the Never Happened." Peep this fantastic blurb:

"Arguably Israel's biggest rock export" -Harp.com

I, for one, would like to hear that argument. My other demand is a t-shirt featuring nothing but the band's name, so people will ask me, "What's a Rockfour?"

Seriously, though, the band sounds pretty good. Click over for some solid jangle rock.

Wh-wh-wh-what?

It's now time to set aside Porkchop's long-held policy of denying the existence of a certain vapid socialite. After all, who doesn't enjoy a quick game of "How many things are wrong with this picture?"

I'm pretty sure they made up a problem just so she could pretend to be helping something. They made it sound as cutesy and ridiculous as possible, to trick bloggers into spreading it. It won't work, though, mark my words.

Elsewhere on that same news site:
His charges will be reduced to third-degree ducking-while-being-photographed.

Creep-you-out Friday

Behold the ghastly splash graphic at preciousmoments.com:*


There are several spine-chilling elements to this picture. First, there's the fact that at this resolution, you can't see any facial features except the gigantic, black, soulless eyes of the supposedly cute dolls.

But then there's the unspeakably evil tagline, "Celebrate precious blessings," juxtaposed with the rictus of pain on the face of the girl, who appears to be celebrating, if anything, some kind of hernia. We could call her eyes soulless as well, but it would be to miss the implicit cry for help:

"Please, mister," they say, "save me from this lifetime of forced labor. Take my bushel of apples and put me out of my misery quickly."

Maybe the "precious blessing" is cheap apples at the supermarket - but at what price?


*It's probably best not to ask what I was doing on preciousmoments.com in the first place.

Hence the phrase "stranger than fiction"

Look closely at this photo from BBC's pictures of the day and tell me what's happening:

OK, time's up. What did you come up with? Is he pleading with the bus not to hit him? Perhaps he belongs to some strange bus-worshiping cult? By all means, leave your best guesses in the comments, then come back and read this actual cutline:

All right, one more question: what exercises do you have to do in order to gain this capability?

Creep-you-out Monday

Then he stepped to the microphone, cleared his throat and intoned: "Brains. Braaaaaaains."

Seuss or Kafka?

MARVIN'S GLORIOUS DISCOVERY

Marvin learns that he is a Magnificent Nubian goat

That's the amusingly cryptic headline on a release faxed to us by Xlibris, home of every kind of book you can think of . I especially got a kick out of it because I saw the headline before the letterhead, so it looked like a news release.

Anyway, the book is "Marvin the Magnificent Nubian Goat" by Carol Hair Moore, and it appears to be more Seuss than Kafka: "This is the story of Marvin, who lived on Moore Farm, as he tries to find out who he is - a peacock, a horse, or a kitten?" It seems to me like the title kinda spoils the ending, but if you're still intrigued, you can check it out here.

Still the best

I first saw this maze game years ago, and it really is difficult and addictive. I was just reminded of it today, so I thought I'd share...

(for you weenies, I just tracked down a much easier full-screen version)

Various definitions of "dead"

A fun trifecta in my e-mail provider's entertainment news today:

For those keeping score, Britney is doing her level best to commit careericide, while Seinfeld is just painfully unfunny. Oddly enough, both are still very rich, as far as I know.

Seriously, have you seen the "Bee Movie TV Juniors" on NBC? How that dude manages to keep getting unfunnier is amazing, considering how high he set the bar in the '80s. I have actually preferred hearing Toby Keith call a truck a "big dog daddy" over and over the past few weeks, and I have previously ranked Toby Keith above Gargamel on my list of all-time villains.

Overheard in the newsroom

I'm a fan of those "overheard" blogs and columns.

Had to share this overheard snippet of 1 minute ago:

"... pigeons taste pretty good."

I don't think that tops a snippet from the same person a week or so ago:

"I've never got a speeding ticket, but I ran over someeone once."

Creep-you-out Friday

This one is more of a mental-image exercise. Following is the headline of a press release that a certain famous preacher's foundation just faxed us:

BILLY GRAHAM RAPID RESPONSE TEAM DEPLOYS TO CALIFORNIA

The splash graphic at billygraham.org further highlights the absurdity:

I'm not trying to make fun of the guy, mind you - hell doesn't sound like a place I'd like to go to - it's just that they probably could have picked better wording. Anything that makes me think of Billy Graham hoisting a fire hose is... well, it's creepy, isn't it?

In other faxed-in religious news, apparently Radio Disney edited the word "God" out of a commercial for the movie The Ten Commandments. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't God one of the main characters in that story? I mean, isn't that like trying to advertise "The King and I" without using the word "king"?

T-shirt tour, part 2

People often ask about my "Beware of perverts" shirt, which looks like this:

I really wasn't planning to play wardrobe docent, but oddly enough, an AP story today updates us on the long-running Japanese-train-groping phenomenon (that's groping on trains, not groping trains):

-----
Cell Phone Message Warns Train Gropers

By HIROKO TABUCHI, Associated Press

TOKYO (AP) -- Did you just grope me? Shall we head to the police? That's the message women are flashing on their cell phones with a popular program designed to ward off wandering hands in Japan's congested commuter trains.

"Anti-Groping Appli" by games developer Takahashi was released in late 2005, but has only recently climbed up popularity rankings, reaching No. 7 in this week's top-10 cell phone applications list compiled by Web-based publisher Spicy Soft Corp.

The application flashes increasingly threatening messages in bold print on the phone's screen to show to the offender: "Excuse me, did you just grope me?" "Groping is a crime," and finally, "Shall we head to the police?"

Users press an "Anger" icon in the program to progress to the next threat. A warning chime accompanies the messages.

The application, which can be downloaded for free on Web-enabled phones, is for women who want to scare away perverts with minimum hassle and without attracting attention, according to Takahashi's Web site.

"I first downloaded this as a joke," said Spicy Soft official Michika Izumi. "But I think it could be a lifesaver if I get groped."

Brought to you by the letter H

Alert reader Joanna B. sends us this... erm, nugget.

-----
PLANO, Texas—(BUSINESS WIRE)—Oct. 22, 2007—J. C. Penney Company, Inc. (NYSE:JCP) today announced that Chairman and Chief Executive Officer, Myron E. (Mike) Ullman, III, is scheduled to have elective, laparoscopic surgery on Oct. 31 to improve certain physical comfort-related symptoms stemming from a medical condition he has had for more than 20 years.
-----

"Certain physical comfort-related symptoms"? Joanna suspects that the good folks of Plano are just too polite to say "hemorrhoids."

I'm inclined to concur, except that who on earth would wait 20 years to take care of that? It's the sort of problem you should nip in the... erm, never mind.

A question of when, not if.

As a way of doing penance for missing my first Creep-you-out Friday in months, I offer this Sunday night headline, courtesy of cnn.com:

Waffle House brawl lands Kid Rock in jail

How could the man surprise us less?

Snap.

I am frequently asked about my "finger-quotin' Margo" t-shirt, which looks like this:

I try to explain the awesomeness of the unnecessarily-nasty-sarcasm-incarnate that is Apartment 3G's Margo Magee (and mind you, I don't even read the strip - only the Comics Curmudgeon's take on it), but I can never get it just right.

Which is why I'm glad that yesterday featured a single perfect, no-comment-necessary illustrative panel:


Who wouldn't want her on a t-shirt?

Nobel = not that cool

Porkchop has dutifully reported the goings-on over at the Paradigm Reseach Group, and their crusade to end the "truth embargo" regarding aliens, before.

Today, as their faxed release attests, they're dogging on a certain newly-minted peacenik laureate. "Say huh?," you ask? Viddy thou well an excerpt from their "Open letter to Albert Gore, Jr.":

-----

The multiplicity of solutions to the global warming crisis you offer will require an unprecedented modification in collective worldview never before seen in human affairs within any time frame, let alone the one or two decades suggested. In short, you need all the help you can get - help that includes powerful, non-fear-based components.

With all due respect for global warming's potency as a change agent, that and nothing else comes close to the formal disclosure of the presence of non-human, intelligent beings for getting the human race's attention. It will and properly should be the most profound event in human history. If you wish for the human race to see itself as a singular species shepherd to its one and only home planet, helping to end the truth embargo will significantly improve that prospect.

-----

In case you didn't have the patience to read all that, it boils down to this: "Forget your Nobel and Oscar. If you really want people to believe in global warming, tell them about the space aliens the government is hiding."

Well played, PRG. Well played.

Oh! I Love My Body

Our latest fax from Xlibris says:

"Give your little tykes a head start from their fellow preschoolers with Jeannette Gray's charming picture book Oh! I Love My Body. Beautifully illustrated, this is a wonderful and colorful book where young children will learn to identify the parts of their body through picture, song, and repetition. It shows happy outdoor scenes - including cute animals - where kids talk about and name various parts of their bodies."

Creep-you-out Friday

See a whole collection of creepy old ads at Weirdomatic.

Rash of school violence?

So that's what those bumps are!

Here's today's first e-mail:
"Dear Ms. Rosenberry, We are syndicating an exclusive feature story that could be of great interest to The Gazette readers, especially parents and students, and could be a great addition to any coverage you are doing on the recent rash of school violence. This article gives readers the chance to 'sit in' on a unique crash course on how to survive a school shooting massacre taught by elite commandos.

"SYNOPSIS:Six months after the US suffered its worst ever campus shooting with 33 killed and 23 injured at Virginia Tech, America is again reeling from a school shooting in Cleveland, Ohio on October 10th and the arrest the very next day of a 14 year-old who was planning a Columbine-like school massacre in Plymouth, Pennsylvania.Parents around the country are looking for ways to better protect their children, but the answer may come not from the school-yard, but the battlefield."

Riiiiiiiight. The Web site's "massacre timeline" lists 12 events in the last 30 years. Does 4 events a decade a rash make?
Here's the link provided for the course.

Here's the instructor:






Chief instructor of the survive a shooting massacre course, Walter Philbrick, is a 30 year veteran instructor to elite police units around the world and CEO of the security firm International Protective Services.
Photo by Ron Laytner, Edit International

Dinger's first game

Dear Porkchop,
Yesterday I heard a mean, ugly man saying bad things about Dinger, the Rockies mascot, on TV. I think Dinger's cool. Please tell everybody I'm right.
-Virginia

Dear Virginia,
Funny you should mention that, because I've been doing some research on that very subject. Please feel free to print this story out and hang it on your refrigerator, or set it to music and sing it at school - whatever you need to do to spread the word.

-----

Dinger’s first game
By Porkchop McGillicutty

The sun shone down on the mile-high city that fateful day in a late-sixties autumn, finding two young men – we’ll call them Joe and Edgar, because they need names –engaged in some mid-day catch.

“Pop-up!” Joe shouted, and Edgar scrambled, squinting against the sun to pluck the stitched sphere from the heavens.

“Grounder,” Edgar replied – and it was then that the problem ensued.

Joe failed to keep his glove down and his eye on the ball, and so the grounder rolled across Blake Street into the front door of the neighborhood watering hole. It rolled through the bar and into the back office, where the owner – we’ll call him Ted – kept his collection of fine cigars. It rolled through the open door of Ted’s big humidor, finally settling in a dark corner.

“Forget it,” said Joe from the lot, and Edgar agreed. They had to get to the Broncos game anyway.

-----

When the time came, in the wee hours of a frigid morning in a mid-nineties winter, the long-forgotten baseball rolled back out of the humidor, propelled by the movement of the life form within. Violently pitching back and forth, it began to split along its seams, the leather cover groaning in its last futile effort to hold back the colossal force.

Finally, suddenly, a purple triceratops sprang forth, fully formed, improbably standing on two feet, some seven feet tall.

He shook his great scaly head, and surveyed his surroundings. Where am I, he wondered, and what am I doing here? I should be on the plains or in the marshes, king of all I survey, and yet here I am in a tiny room.

No answers presented themselves in the office, so he lunged headlong through the door, breaking it off at the hinges. Barely slowing, he powered through the front door and onto Blake Street. It was deserted.

Across the street, the beast saw a great brick building, with banners touting the heroes of the realm.

It is they, he thought, who have consigned me to this hellish existence. I shall wait for them in their castle, and confront them when they arrive. They shall die the cowards’ death they deserve. He began to scale the walls.

“The first 10,000 fans will receive a grisly demise,” he thought, with a grim chuckle he couldn’t explain, as he nestled down to sleep beneath the center-field bleachers.

-----

Had the triceratops awakened just a bit earlier on that brisk evening the following spring, he might just have carried out his wishes.

As it happens, he arose from his slumber in the bottom of the 14^th inning. The Mets had scored a run to retake the lead, but the beast could hardly be aware of that. All he knew was that the heroes had returned to their home, and that he had to act quickly in order to exact his revenge. He stretched out deliberately, going once more over the plan he had dreamt of for months.

He would start in the sections around him, eating every man, woman and child in his way; then he would work his way around the castle clockwise, stopping at the pentagonal altar on the opposite side. As he drew from its power, the rest of the revelers would flee into the night, screaming in terror and telling the rest of the land about the fearsome creature living on Blake Street.

Surely, the townsfolk would soon enough be lining up to pay him tribute.

With a violent glint in his reptilian eye, Dinger lumbered up the concrete stairs and into the artificial light.

And then…

And then…

Not everyone remembers the exact moment when the essential goodness of his favorite baseball team won him over, turned him forever into an irrational creature whose well-being hangs on their fortunes. Perhaps it was a story his grandpa told him, or his first bite of cotton candy at the park that would become his second home.

For Dinger, it was instant he reached the mezzanine and heard the crack of the bat, and the orgiastic cheering of the fans. Dante Bichette had turned on a fastball and driven it deep to left field, plating three runs, winning the game.

From each soul in the sellout crowd witnessing that opening game came such love that it overwhelmed the purple behemoth. It turned his skin to plush, and covered it with festive polka dots. Quite without planning it, Dinger began hugging every child he saw, as he does to this day.

History tells us that Dinger hatched from an egg found during a Rockies game at old Mile High. It’s a good enough story, since the truth was witnessed by no one.

But still, for accuracy's sake, thank goodness for omniscient narrators.

Thank goodness for Dante Bichette.

And thank goodness for Rockies baseball.

Fight the urge.

Our friends at Passive-Aggressive Notes have compiled a sort of do-not-lick greatest hits. Just, you know, in case you can't keep your tongue to yourself.

Self-negating headline

Jackie Chan's son wants his own identity

Booga alert

Hot off the fax machine:

-----

Hood Boogas
The Movie

There are many types of women in this world. Some are beautiful ladies who eventually turn out to be great wives and mothers, and others are what we like to call "Hood Boogas." Executive Producer Rockiem Joiner of Da Noe Doe Network and Director/Producer Frazier Prince of the Prince Henry Entertainment Group join forces to bring us a Rap-u-mentary about a group of ghetto fabulous divas wanted for crimes of atrocious behavior. The search for these self-preservation specialists lands Brooklyn based BMS Agents (Baby Mama Surveillance Squad) in Pennsylvania's Pocono Mountains where they discover the culprits working their heinous magic on unsuspecting local folks.

-----

Be warned: the press release goes on to tell us the film "certainly deserves an HB-13 rating for Baby MaMa's strongly cautioned."

"Don't fall prey to those 'Hood Boogas' around the way," the release warns. "Check this movie out before it's too late."

Creep-you-out Friday

Yeah, it's Thursday. I'm not gonna be here tomorrow, though, so...
Porkchop purists, click over to rainbowpuke or something, and come back tomorrow. Those who want to read about a sherry enema immediately, read on (and thank God there aren't photos):

-----

Charges dismissed in sherry enema death

By Erwin Seba Thu Oct 4, 9:33 AM ET

HOUSTON (Reuters) - Charges have been dropped against a Texas woman who was accused of giving her husband a sherry enema that killed him, the prosecutor in the case said on Wednesday.

Tammy Jean Warner had been scheduled to face trial for negligent homicide in the May 2004 death of Michael Warner, 58, but Brazoria County District Attorney Jeri Yenne said the charges were dismissed a month ago for lack of evidence.

The dead man had had "a severe alcohol issue" and it was not clear his wife had committed a crime, Yenne said in a telephone interview.

"Let's say I have lung cancer and I continue to smoke. If you provide cigarettes to me, is that negligent homicide?" Yenne said.

"I really wrestled with the consent issue and negligence issue. I didn't think it rose to the level of negligent homicide."

At the time of Warner's indictment in 2005, police told the Houston Chronicle the woman had given her husband two large bottles of sherry, which raised his blood alcohol level to 0.47 percent, or nearly six times the level considered legally drunk in Texas.

Warner admitted administering the enema but denied she caused the death of her husband, who was a machine-shop operator. The incident occurred at their home in Lake Jackson, near Houston.

She told the newspaper her husband was addicted to enemas and often used alcohol in that manner. Police said Warner had a throat ailment that left him unable to drink the sherry.

Warner could not be reached for comment on Wednesday.

Yenne said a charge that Warner had burned her husband's will a month before his death was also dropped.

"We were never able to verify there was a signed, executed document," she said.

Coolest thing ever?

Mission Statement:
RainbowPuke exists so that fans of puking rainbows have a place to make their collective voices heard.

Creep-you-out Friday

The first Ronald McDonald commercial, as apparently played by Willard Scott. I can't decide if that makes it more or less creepy.

USA! USA!

I frequently repost images from BBC News' Day in Pictures, which I look at just to get a brief glimpse of what's going on in the 95 percent of the world that isn't America. It's often novel, exotic, sometimes confusing stuff, and seldom does a day go by on which I'm not overwhelmed by the sense of how much there is that I have yet to experience, that I'll have to race to get to by the end of my pathetically short existence.

So imagine my swell of patriotism when the DIP turns its attention, as it does occasionally, to my very own homeland:


Did you hear my proud silent tear just now? Of course not; it was silent. Still, it's there. Congratulations, you guys.

Potty humor overload

I'm not sure that, humor-wise, I can improve on the mere fact of this product's existence. Have a press release:

-----

Transform Your Toilet Lid In Seconds.
Uniquely Decorative Toilet Tattoos Make Bathrooms Flush With Beauty.
www.Toilet-Tattoos.com

(Macedonia, Ohio) - It's a product that will add a creative new decorating touch to bathrooms and restrooms worldwide. For years, the only toilet decorating options were the dreaded rug-like covers that Grandma used or the more permanent decorative seat. But now a new patent pending concept in toilet décor called Toilet Tattoos is aimed at satisfying today's modern need for an easy, quick and changeable decorating solution.

The Toilet Tattoos are the only toilet lid embellishment on the market that is removable, reusable and wipes clean. Toilet Tattoos can transform the look of the toilet by just peeling it from its backer card packaging, placing it on the toilet lid and smoothing it out. Because Toilet Tattoos are made from electrostatic vinyl film; they are reusable and will not harm the toilet lid when removed. Toilet Tattoos come in a wide array of designs including: classic patterns, wallpaper styles, whimsical themes, floral scenes, seasonal & holiday motifs and more. The company is also able to reproduce original paintings or photographs onto the Toilet Tattoos.

Oddly pensive Monday

Two recent deaths:

Robert Jordan died Sept. 16. His "Wheel of Time" series of novels spanned over 3 million words (and counting).

Marcel Marceau died Sept. 22. He is famous primarily for not using words.

Creep-you-out Friday

Sex scandals? Voter fraud? Pork barrel politics? Amateur stuff.

-----

Headless corpses raise ritual killing fear

By John Zodzi Fri Sep 21, 11:01 AM ET

LOME (Reuters) - Six grisly murders in Togo in which the victims were decapitated and drained of their blood have raised fears of a resurgence of ritual killings ahead of parliamentary elections in the West African state next month.

The serial killings occurred last weekend in the southern Vo and Lacs prefectures, east of the capital Lome. The victims included a 12-year-old boy and a 63-year-old woman and their severed heads were carried off by the killers.

The discovery of the headless corpses has shocked Togolese and triggered a wave of speculation that the killings were ritual murders. This is a practice still found in parts of Africa in which people kill to obtain body parts and blood in the belief they will bring social success and political power.

Update: Religion still weird

Cf. here. By the way, shame on all you guys for not catching it when I called Easter a "birth anniversary."

A sexy rail-splittin' man

Is it just me, or does Abe's portrait look more confident and virile when removed from its silly oval prison?

"Hey, ladies. That's right, I signed the Homestead Act of 1862 and the Morrill Land-Grant Colleges Act. Who wants to see my stovepipe hat collection?"

1 out of 3 ain't bad

32%

Creep-you-out Friday

Read the whole story to get more unsettled.

Cryptic headline Tuesday

DiFranco's The Church Is Now Babeville

I recognize the words as English, but not so much the syntax. Anyway, the story's here, in case you have a burning curiosity.

What interests me most about the headline is that a couple of sets of quotation marks would help a lot, which is the complete opposite of most people's problem. In fact, I regularly read a blog devoted entirely to unnecessary quotation marks.

Creep you out Friday: Take anything you want!

I don't know how creepy this is, but it bloody odd. Check the one "robber"'s bandana tied under the nose. And the pastel '80s Cheryl Tiegs gym attire.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhUFCgHJ6r4

Take anything you want! Take anything you want!

Landlord as tiny fairy

OK, I hadn't seen this one yet, though a gazillion others have.

Still, I'll share this link to a freaking funny video by Will Ferrell. (Thanks, Paul!)

Religion is weird

I was going to call this post "Hinduism is weird," but then I considered that there might be a perfectly valid explanation. For instance, consider this hypothetical cutline:

"In Dover, Delaware, Christian devotees hide eggs fashioned out of plastic underneath bushes as they celebrate Easter, the birth anniversary of the deity Jesus."

Of course I'm aware that "Religion is weird" is not an original observation, but golly is religion ever weird, n'est pas?

Cheetos in the wrong, orange-stained hands

From Ask Porkchop's old pal Paul:

According to the Associated Press, 22-year-old Patrick Hamman of Des Moines, Iowa, was arrested for assault after he attacked his father with a bag of Cheetos.

Well, "attack" may be too strong a word. Hamman apparently threw the bag at his dad, Michael Hamman, and hit him in the face. The blow caused the elder Hamman's glasses to cut the bridge of his nose. Worse yet, the police report says "Michael's T-shirt was also covered in Cheeto dust."

(THE HORROR! THE HORROR!)

We can only presume the bag was filled with the crunchy Cheetos, as the puffy kind would've glanced harmlessly off of Michael's face.

No word yet as to whether Patrick will cut the chee -- I mean, cut a deal with prosecutors.

(GOOD THING IT WASN'T A BAG BUGLES, OR WHATEVER THOSE WACKY, SCREWY CHIPLIKE THINGS ARE.)

(yeah, you wish we had video)

Extra creep for your 3-day

Creep-you-out Friday

An enormous spider web has been found at Lake Tawakoni State Park, Texas, US.

That's the actual lede from this actual story. Not included: the sound of Ron Weasley whimpering like an ickle ginger baby. [/geek]

Scott Baio. Really?

So, the e-mail begins this way:

Hi Dena,
Scott Baio was a notorious bachelor until he hired a life-coach. A couple months later, he proposed to his girlfriend and got over his fears of commitment.

Apparently it goes on and on about the need for life coaching. But I didn't pay much attention, because I was stuck at the first 6 words.

Scott Baio was a notorious bachelor

Really?

Recognizing a bathroom solicitation

This is hilarious. A newscaster and weatherman act out the moves that apparently prompted an undercover officer to charge Idaho's Larry Craig of solicitation. See it on Incoming, from asap.

Scroll down to the bottom of the homepage and click on the Incoming symbol, shown above. Look for "News you can use in the bathroom"

Hurri-chicanery

This just in by fax:

-----
PLEASE BE ADVISED:
CANCUN WAS NOT AFFECTED BY HURRICANE DEAN
For all of you that have not taken advantage of the company vacation to Cancun, Mexico, the price has dropped on the few remaining vacation slots.
-----


Thanks, "Human Resources Dept." You've perfectly figured out why I'm dragging my feet despite your frequent invitations to share in this special offer. Way to assuage my fears.

Straight from the you-know-where...

The hyperactive PR department at Colo State U. faxes us several releases each week. None has caught my attention like this one:

COLORADO STATE UNIVERSITY ANNOUNCES CHAIR IN EQUINE REPRODUCTION

Oh yes, they're announcing the creation of a new position, funded with a $3 million gift. They'll name the lucky person at a later date. Says the release: "With the addition of the new Iron Rose Ranch Chair, endowed chairs at the college now number six."

One presumes this chair is somewhat better-endowed than the others.

Creep-you-out Friday

No, I haven't forgotten that I have to creep you out. It's just been a long day at Porkchop central - which is why I punted, and typed "creepy" into Google image search. Fortunately, it didn't disappoint:


Sweet dreams, dear readers, until next week.

You had me a "freshly severed heads"

I got a press release today from Smithsonian magazine. Certainly grabbed my attention. Here's the top:

"Understanding the smile is serious business. For example, did you know that the freshly severed heads of executed criminals and revolutionaries were the first specimens used to study the mechanistic nature of human facial expressions? Over 150 years later, scientists can confidently say that facial expressions are innate. Facial expressions, and especially the smile, constitute a system of unconscious communication that got built into our biology long before language itself.

The August issue of Smithsonian magazine explores how scientists are finding there is a lot more to one of the most complex human expressions than meets the eye."

I knew I should have renewed my subscription this year.

Let's get physical

Today we got a faxed press release with this headline:

New Book about 'Galloping Gamows' Shows Relationship between Physics and Cowboys

Immediately I thought, "that relationship has already been established." You see, I was reminded of this classic from the fun-with-clip-art Web site stripcreator.com:


Fun, no?
As a special comics-related bonus, enjoy this panel from yesterday's "Luann":

Grrr!

Get your Michael Vick Chew Toy! Yours for only $10.99 (plus S&H)

Porkchop: Is it true a portion of sales of the Michael Vick Chew Toy (pictured above) will go to animal charities?

A: Apparently so. There's been a lot of discussion on this topic since it was first brought to our attention a few weeks ago by former Gaz writer Paul Asay. (It seemed kinda hinky to include on Porkchop until a few Qs were A'd.) But the makers insist some money will go to organizations that help animals.

Hey, if all the money is going to pay someone's mortgage, so be it. The thought of Vick chew toy made me snicker. Even though at this point he's innocent of all charges. If you don't believe we're all about mockery these day, read the comments on any given Gazette story.

Creep-you-out Friday

(click on the image to enlarge, or go here to read the whole thing)

The commenter on the consistently funny blog where I found this said that "to know the full effect, the aroma should be included."

Add It Up

Rock geeks like yours truly are all atwitter over the news that bassist Brian Ritchie of the Violent Femmes is suing lead singer and main songwriter Gordon Gano over nonpayment of royalties - and, partially, for "trashing the band's reputation by allowing its signature hit, 'Blister in the Sun,' to be used in a Wendy's commercial."

On that last score, Mr. Ritchie, your disappointment is duly noted, and is shared by many of your fans. However, I'd remind you that "Blister" is now 24 years old. Its presence in a national commercial, on balance, can hardly hurt anything. At best, it exposes the song to more of the amorous teenagers for whom it was written - and they'll be delighted to find out how graphic and anthemic the song is, and its album as well. Really, placing the song in a hamburger ad is pretty subversive, from where I'm standing.

Besides, the gold standard for selling out was set earlier this year, when "Express Yourself" was used in a Botox commercial. That's right, N.W.A. are now de facto pitchmen for a product that helps middle-aged white women get rid of their wrinkles - and Dr. Dre and Ice Cube have a lot more cred to lose.

Mind you, I don't know the details of your case, and you may have good grounds to sue - but the reputation-trashing argument has got to go. In fact, maybe you should "do what tastes right" and start placing other songs. Might I suggest "Country Death Song" and "Dance, MF, Dance"?

If you've got $$ to burn

My brother, an avid ebay surfer, sent this:

A bottle of beer that sold earlier this week for $503,300.

Check it out here:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ih=016&sspagename=STRK%3AMEWA%3AIT&viewitem=&item=260145824374&rd=1

How many 6ers of PBR is that?

The beam in thine own eye

I frequently read a very funny blog called Passive-Aggressive Notes. Basically, people submit nasty notes and e-mails they've gotten, and then commenters line up on one side or the other, all to humorous effect (you have to be there, so go. I'll wait).

Anyway, one recent comment was unintentionally funny enough that I had to repost it here:

"Personally I would have serious difficulty mustering up the embarrassment/concern that I’m sure this letter was intended to provoke, for one simple reason. LOOK AT THAT GRAMMER!!"

w00t week

Yes, I made it myself. In Paint. Were you going to do it? I think not.

Creep-you-out Friday

I, for one, welcome our Lego overlords.

Outside the portmanteau

-----
MyChelle Dermaceuticals Introduces Exotic Fruit-Based Skin Care Lines

FRISCO,Colo. (August 9, 2007) - The natural skin care innovators at MyChelle Dermaceuticals have once again traveled the world to discover unique botanical ingredients with amazing antioxidants that are as healthy used on the skin as in the body! MyChelle introduces new products that are veritable fruit cocktails for the skin including exotic extracts and pulp from acai, mangosteen, camu camu, green apple and coconut. Each ingredient has its own set of magical propertiesthat aid in brightening, smoothing, tightening and toning aged and sun-damaged skin.

"We have always gone outside the box to create the most outstanding natural skin products without the use of harsh chemical ingredients," says Myra Michelle Eby, founder of MyChelle Dermaceuticals. "We are extremely excited about the efficacy of our new products and proprietary breakthrough ingredients that we've created from unique ingredients from around the world."
-----

This release came today by fax. I was going to make fun of it, but (a) it's a local company, (b) the owner correctly used the word "efficacy," and (c) "dermaceuticals" is kind of a cute neologism.
Also, all those fruits appear to be real, and not figments of Eby's imagination as I first suspected. Good on ya, MyChelle.

Final thought: As "outside the box" is now its own box, I'm calling for a worldwide effort to come up with a new expression. We will use it for a year or so, before moving on to the next one.

Need a quick bite in the morning?

Faithful reader Joanna B. forwarded this important message from Wendy's:

"Wendy's is now serving breakfast at a restaurant in the Colorado Springs - Pueblo area: 9960 Santa Fe Trail Drive, Trinidad"

Google Maps puts the drive from Pueblo at 1 hour 18 minutes, and the drive from Colorado Springs at 1:55. Also, as much as I'm sure we'd all like it to be, a Frosty is not really a proper breakfast. Apart from that, I'm totally stoked!