What's Elvish for "duh"?

McKellen then went on for several minutes enumerating the things he might buy with the proceeds, which include a dozen cars, at least three islands, and Sean Astin.

Regularly scheduled program

I was prepared to extend the mini-hiatus indefinitely while I continued to lock horns with FreeRice, but yesterday at lunch I finally tasted level 50, and now I can die happy (or at least go back to posting). Suffer!

Next week, look for more funny and less geeky. Scout's honor.

Learn words, donate food

A Spin magazine feature turned me on to FreeRice.com, a Web vocabulary game hosted by poverty.com. For each word you correctly match with its definition, you donate 20 grains of rice to a food bank, paid for by the banner advertisers.

This blogger has attained level 46 out of a possible 55, so bring it! Post your scores in the comments.

Eeeeewwwwwww.

There seems to be a perfectly valid explanation for it, but I would still submit that there are few finer how-do-you-dos than this headline:

Atty: Male DNA Found in NY Broker's Sink

The nature of genius (or, sorry about all this)

I'm a geek. You know that, right? That whole genius thing in the last post - it didn't give me its methodology, and so I could not accept it at face value, especially when other blogs I read and enjoy got much lower scores. In fact, Porkchop was the only one to get the Genius tag.

I mean, I could just say that this is the smartest blog ever - but you already know that in your heart, though I don't have the data to back it up, and we don't abide truthiness here.

So, I went to readability.info and got a bunch of different readability grades, and explanations thereof. It was fascinating (see note on geekdom above). On the school-grade scales, we got:

• Kincaid, 5.8
• ARI, 6.0
• Coleman-Liau, 9.0
• Fog, 8.9
• Lix, <5*
• SMOG, 8.7

*Bite me, Lix.

That's a pretty wide range right there, which makes me glad I don't write standardized tests. I furthermore learned that we had started 2 of the 20 sentences on the front page with subordinating conjunctions, which is surprising, considering our irascible insubordinant spirit. (Did I convince you that I know what a "subordinating conjunction" is? Good.)

This Web site gave me a Flesch-Kincaid score, and apparently Flesch thinks much more highly of our writing than his colleague - together, they gave us a 10. So eat that, 5.8th-graders.

But I think my favorite index is SMOG. Sure, it gave us a middle-of-the-road score, but it has a deliciously one-factored formula: sqrt (((words<=3 syllables)/sentences)*30) + 3. So if I told you to "fornicate vigorously fortnightly with a truculent velvety wolverine," SMOG says you'd need to be midway through Grade 20 to understand it.

Then, you'd probably giggle.

We've been called worse

Because Dave from Out There found the tool, we had to confirm our suspicions. Yes, reading this blog makes you a bona fide genius. Congratulations, you!

Heavy reading

Facebook felt like showing me the "Top Books in the Colorado Springs, CO network" when I logged in today.

1. The Bible
2. Harry Potter
3. 1984
4. Mere Christianity
5. Wild At Heart

Are the people reading (3) preparing to deal with the people reading (1), (4) and (5)? And where does "The Boy Who Lived" fit into all this? I think I'm going to stop leaving the house, just in case.

Great job, guys

Spam lede:

"Strategic Decisions & Partnerships is a group of concerned educators, corporate leaders and citizens whom are networking together to improve education in all the America's."

Wanna waste a lot of time?

Newspeak's Aaron just turned me on to the Face Transformer, which is just as awesome as it sounds. If you know Aaron, you won't be surprised that he used his own face to demonstrate. As for me, I went with someone a bit more recognizable... and was disappointed to find out that you just can't make him ugly:

Original

Afro-Caribbean

Apeman

Manga

Damn, I hate that guy.

Oh, lest all you Porkchop groupies feel neglected (hi mom!), behold West Asian Christopher:

Eat your heart out, Retka.

Hungry for "hay-soos"?

The gravy parted and Jesus appeared.




So says a woman who saw the image of Jesus on her HungryMan salisbury steak dinner (in photo) and is auctioning said dinner on eBay. The money is said to go to charity. Last we checked bidding was $157.50.
Check it out here.

The "hay-soos" reference is a shout-out to Dilbert. Creator Scott Adams had a character last week or so named Jesus, pronounced hay-soos, who performed miracles in the office. Adams caught some flak for the strip running so close to Easter.

A couple of co-workers say this Salisbury Jesus looks more like Salisbury Satan if you stare at it too long. Beware, he's a crafty one.

Really, really tapping the Rockies

While we're on the topic of things that shouldn't stay in your house for years, here's an apparently true bit from snopes.com:

-----


A single guy lived in this townhouse for 8 years in Ogden, Utah. They thought he was the best renter because he never called or complained and was never late on a payment. These pictures don't even come close to what it looked like. Century 21 had already moved some of the cans out and had caved in tunnels he had made to get to the bedroom, bathroom and kitchen.

Next, they'll go after rainbows and Care Bears

While perusing Outdoor Life magazine, I came across a story about how to get a unicorn-hunting license.

They're offered by Lake Superior State University. It says "Unicorns may be taken with serious intent, iambic pentameter, general levity and sweet talk."

(I know, I know, Outdoor Life mag?)

Assume la posición

I still can't figure out the expression on her face. Is she wondering how much the gallery off-camera right paid for their seats, or just telepathically willing her teammates to maintain their distance from each other? Or maybe she's trying to throw a cool, come-hither smirk in the direction of the photographer: "Look at me. I am a sexy trapezoid, no?"

In any case, I hereby proclaim it almost as awesome as the Great Ukrainian Speedo Explosion of Feb. 22.

Really?

Here's a phish spam I just got:

-----
From: Department of the Treasury
Subject: US Internal Revenue Service

After the last annual calculations of your fiscal activity we have determined
that you are eligible to receive a tax refund of $189.60.
Please submit the tax refund request and allow us 6-9 days in order to process it.
It will be stored in our secure database for maximum of 3 days
while we process the results of this nationwide survey.

A refund can be delayed for a variety of reasons.
For example submitting invalid records or applying after the deadline.

To access your tax refund online, please click on the link below
-----

BTW, mousing over the link showed me an aol.com address. I guess the Fed is too good for Netzero. Your tax dollars at work, folks.

Seriously, awwwww.

Today's New York Times featured this A1 photo of Baby Barack:



UPDATE: In the interest of equal time, here's the first thing, I kid you negative, that came up when I Googled "baby" and "hillary":

3.14 bottles of fluff on the wall

So, I guess March 14 is both White Day and Pi Day. The latter makes sense to my geeky heart, whereas the former looks like some strange kind of reciprocity celebration - and for extra weirdness, was evidently created by a marshmallow company.

Above is an installment of one of my favorite web comics, Toothpaste For Dinner. In case you're curious, I am in fact in the "dick" category, but only because I was always bored in algebra class and the teacher had a few hundred digits of pi as his wallpaper border. I think that's an acceptable reason for knowing 30-odd digits nearly 20 years later - right?

Erin, don't go "Bragh."

St. Patrick's Day Health News: Don't Let Gas Ruin Your Holiday Cheer

Although the pubs will be crowded and noisy this St. Patrick's Day, don't put yourself in an embarrassing situation with unwanted gas. It may be tempting to eat traditional Irish dishes like corned beef and cabbage, but they can put a damper on your celebration.

"Everyone experiences flatulence, which can be embarrassing depending on where you are, but there are ways to control it, even while celebrating St. Patty's Day." says Patricia Raymond, M.D., gastroenterologist and assistant professor at Eastern Virginia Medical School.

Here are some tips to help minimize an embarrassing situation:

-- Avoid Certain Foods: Although corned beef and cabbage are staples for this holiday, they can wreak havoc on your stomach. While cabbage is healthy, it causes a lot of gas, and the fat from corned beef leaves unpleasant flatulence that's hard to cover up.

-- Deactivate Gas with Activated Charcoal: Dr. Raymond suggests taking CharcoCaps Homeopathic AntiGas Formula as a natural and safe way to control embarrassing flatulence at a St. Patrick's Day celebration. CharcoCaps helps people suffering from gas discomfort, pressure and bloating, since it adsorbs the gas and reduces its odor.

-- Drink Up: Enjoy drinking Guinness or other darker ales which have less carbonation than other alcoholic beverages, suppressing unwanted gas.

-- Take A Walk: If you can, walk in the parade or from pub to pub to keep your body moving and the gas flowing. This will alleviate the gas from sitting in the bowels causing distention and pain.

For more information, visit http://www.charcocaps.com/

Re-Re-Real estate news

DETROIT - Aretha Franklin could lose her home to tax collectors. The singer says an attorney's mistake caused her $700,000 mansion in Detroit to slip into foreclosure over $445 in 2005 taxes and late fees.

-----

Reached for comment, the Queen of Soul said "All I'm asking is for a little respect when I get, um, wherever."

Assisted political suicide

Can't not mention this:

Kevorkian to run for office

Yes, that Kevorkian, and yes, it appears to be a real thing. Tune in to Leno tonight, is my advice.

Moving on the wire today

Excerpts from a story on gazette.com, along with a tiny fraction of the possible punchlines:

WICHITA, Kan. (AP) -- Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years - so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police.

(1) I hope she had a really good, really long book.
(2) I hope he had another bathroom in the house.
(3) I hope she courtesy-flushed at least every month or two.

(The boyfriend) told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow,'" (Sheriff Bryan) Whipple said.

(4) I wonder if he ever considered having a slot installed on the door, jail-style.
(5) Fool me 729 times, shame on me.

"It really doesn't surprise me," (neighbor James) Ellis said. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."

(6) With his ability to remain unfazed by pretty much anything, and his gift for measured understatement, James Ellis should be a campaign adviser. Or perhaps a candidate himself.

Things I thought I'd never see

...include "Amazon Women On the Moon" accurately predicting the future. Witness this press release, verbatim as always:

-----

Don't be surprised if the next person you date asks for your Safe Sex Passport!

Research shows the biggest fear both men and women have about sex is getting a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD), especially HIV, and rightly so.

With nearly 19 million NEW Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) infections occurring each year in the U.S. alone, 1 in 5 of your readers will be affected by an STD at some point in their lives, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Gonzalo Paternoster, founder and CEO of SSP BioAnalytics, Inc., has taken on the fight of preventing the spread of HIV and STDs through his 'outside the box' creation of the Safe Sex Passport, and the world is starting to listen. The Safe Sex Passport will make a difference for your readers as they become empowered to take responsibility for their own health and the health of others.

-----

If you're not familiar with "Amazon Women On the Moon," it's a 1987 screwball comedy in the style of "Kentucky Fried Movie," directed by and starring dozens of C-listers (Arsenio Hall, Ed Begley Jr., Howard Hesseman).

The segment "2 I.D.'s" features Steve Guttenberg showing up for a blind date with Rosanna Arquette, only to be subjected to a thorough computerized check of his dating background (his final mortal sin: repeatedly pretending to like Meryl Streep movies). I'm pretty sure the SSPP doesn't go into that much detail, but it's still eerie.

Anyway, there's more to make fun of. "1 in 5 of your readers will be affected by an STD" sounds like a threat; Gonzalo Paternoster sounds like a MadTV sketch character; and... uh, let's just say that Porkchop has complained before about overuse of the phrase "outside the box."

Gnome, Sweet Gnome

And you thought that little Travelocity gnome was cute. Little did you know that its kin apparently stalk the streets of Argentina, terrorizing teens with cell phone cams.

"We looked to one side and saw that the grass was moving," Jose Alvarez told the Argentinian newspaper El Tribuno. "To begin with we thought it was a dog but when we saw this gnome-like figure begin to emerge we were really afraid." 

Oh, sure, gnomes don't seem they'd be all that scary, but check out the video. I wouldn't want anything short and menacing lurking around the parking lot. 

Oh, by the way...

HAPPY 3/11, EVERYBODY!!!

Or use all three to make stew!

Here's an actual faxed press release we got late last week. It... well, it tells you how to use leftovers, is what it does. (OMG! i can has ham samwidjez?!)*

-----

Bunnies and Ham and Eggs, Oh My!

It’s almost that time of year again. You’re standing, dumbfounded, in front of a mound of hard boiled eggs, sliced ham and chocolate Easter bunnies. You wonder, “What am I going to do with 6 dozen eggs, 6 lbs. of ham and 25 chocolate bunnies?” The stress of it is almost enough to send you to bed for a week--or at least tear most of your hair out. Here are a few ideas and recipes from www.LivingOnADime.com to help you avoid both of those.

Leftover Bunnies: Take a rolling pin to them and crush the life out of them. Then use the crumbs to sprinkle on ice cream, use in milk shakes, stir into a mug of hot chocolate, use in place of chocolate chips for making cookies or melt for dipping fruit and candy.

Leftover Ham: Save bone for bean or split pea soup. Make ham salad, chef salad or ham sandwiches. Chop and freeze to use in: potato salad, scrambled eggs, omelets, to top baked potatoes, for potato soup, scalloped potatoes, au gratin potatoes, pasties or pizza- with pineapple.
Top tortilla with ham, salsa, and cheddar cheese and warm, for hot ham and cheese sandwiches.

Leftover Eggs: Make potato salad, tuna salad, pasta salad, chef salad, spinach salad with eggs and bacon, deviled eggs, golden morning sunshine or fill tomatoes with egg salad.

Golden Morning Sunshine
2 cups white sauce 4 eggs, hard boiled and chopped
Make white sauce. Once the white sauce has thickened, add eggs. Serve on toast.

White Sauce
¼ cup dry milk 1 cup cold water
2 Tbsp. flour 1 Tbsp. margarine
dash salt

In a covered jar, combine dry milk, flour and salt and mix well. Add water. Shake until all the ingredients are dissolved. Melt margarine in a 1 quart sauce pan. Stir in flour milk mixture and cook over low heat until mixture thickens and starts to bubble. Keep stirring until thickened completely.
-----

* Dude, I held out on the lolcat thing for a year. I'm not made of stone.

Madness vs. "Madness": There's a vas deferens

All right, I'll admit it's kind of a good idea - though I'll probably wait for the World Series:

-----

Clinic wants to be 'snip city' at NCAA tourney time

SPRINGFIELD, Oregon (AP) -- For guys who park in front of the TV during college basketball's March Madness, the Oregon Urology Institute has a suggestion: Why not use that time to recover from a vasectomy?

Need an excuse to stay home and watch March Madness? An Oregon clinic suggests a vasectomy.

"When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen," the clinic's radio ad says. "Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city."

-----

The full story goes on to describe the care package they're throwing in, which includes a bag of frozen peas.

A PR campaign I can get behind

(ha!)
This just in:

Sarah Chalke, best-known to TV fans and the Porkchop faithful as Dr. Elliot Reid on "Scrubs," is star of a new ad campaign for Hanes.

She's touting the new No Ride Up Panty. (Attractive, eh?) She's battling "the dreaded wedgie," says a press release.


Apparently the TV ads were directed by "Scrubs" star Zach Braff and the print campaign was "inspired by her own panty mishap on the red carpet" at The Emmys.

Panty mishap?




See other videos here.

Soon, you can go online (hanes.com/wedgiefree) and watch Sarah’s “Wedgie Dance” video and enter weekly “Wedgie-Free Wednesdays” product giveaways or share your wedgie story!!!!
Really?

Don't Want Those Suckers to Croak ...

A band of brave, intrepid Hungarians saved more than 16,000 frogs from certain, squishy death, according to United Press International. 

"A group of professional and amateur volunteers spent the weekend trundling buckets full of frogs known formally as European spadefoot toads across a busy highway near Farmos in central Hungary," UPI reported. Apparently the frogs are annually forced out of the ground by heavy seasonal rains, and once they're out, the little buggers hop like mad to the nearest highway -- perhaps inspired by a popular 1980s video game. But UPI notes that, in recent years, toad carnage has been high. 

So volunteers -- both, I must note, amateur and professional -- herd these frogs into buckets that have been partly buried into the ground and, once the bucket is filled with amphibians, the volunteers rip them (the buckets) out of the ground and gently relocate the frogs to a nearby swamp. The whole exercise must look to passersby like a strange combination of rodeo, billiards and one of the 10 plagues of Egypt. 

But the most interesting part of this story, to me, is the fact that there are apparently "professional volunteers" that do this sort of thing, according to UPI. How does one become a professional toad herder? Is it possible to major in "amphibious crowd management?" Do you need a license? Is there a professional society you join? 

Even the 20-sided die.

R.I.P. Gary Gygax (1938-2008), "Dungeons & Dragons" co-creator, Gen Con founder, and ipso facto pioneer of abstinence-only sex education. May flights of eblises sing thee to thy rest.

A tooth for an eye?

WHAT?

Paul sent this to me and I forgot to post it. It's a must-read, if you haven't already.

The 57-year-old Irishman was blinded two years ago after an aluminum explosion at a recycling plant, AFP reported Thursday. His sight has been miraculously restored after doctors inserted his son’s tooth in his eye.

Read the full story here.

Violating Serious Labor Laws

Women say that the pain of childbirth is akin to, say, having your arms ripped out of their sockets over the course of several hours. If that's true, one shudders to imagine what Stacey Herald felt when she gave birth to her 18-inch daughter Katira. Consider, for a moment, that Stacey's just two feet, four inches high. 

That makes Katira about two-thirds the size of her mommy. That'd be a little like a woman who stands 5-foot-6 giving birth to, say, a kindergartener. Or a perhaps a golf bag. Complete with clubs.

Frankly, though, Stacey's just happy to not be pregnant anymore.

"If I laid down, I looked like a snail," she told WLWT.com. "That's how big my belly was. I looked like an Idaho potato with arms and legs." 

God bless I Camera

With every pundit in the world agreeing that tomorrow will decide the Democratic nomination, and with most of them agreeing that Hillary and Obama are essentially the same candidate, Porkchop decided to test them on the only metric that really matters: which candidate makes for funnier anagrams.

We turned to the experts-cum-kingmakers at the Internet Anagram Server (aka "I, Rearrangment Servant") - and are presenting the results below. We limited the results to three words each, because no one likes an overly wordy candidate. And because Hillary is sick of going first...

BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA

• Babushka macaronies
• Cabana hubrises amok
• Caesarian mush kabob
• Bob's marihuana cakes
• Bareback human oasis
• Amnesiac or babushka?
• Scarab bemoans haiku
• Bemoan rakish abacus
• Nabob haiku massacre
• Shamanic aura kebobs
• Samurai nacho kebabs
• Anaerobic ska ambush (one of my favorite bands)
• Abase bunko charisma (that'll be Hillary's next slogan)

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON

• Chardonnay thrill limo
• Dynamical thrill honor
• Anchorman doily thrill
• Tricolor handyman hill
• Conditional myrrh hall
• Ironclad hominy thrall
• Doctrinal Harmony Hill
• Rhythmical lanolin rod
• Only mandril haircloth
• Millionth choral Randy
• Normal chill hydration
• Hardly chill nominator (if the shoe fits...)
• Nominal child harlotry (BTW, Chris Matthews says he's still sorry about that)

I'd say it's a push - I, for one, would love to have some samurai nacho kebabs in my chardonnay thrill limo - but Ohio and Texas will decide which Metro Cad will run for the Nerdy Epics. The winner will, of course, have to watch out for Cynic Sideman John and his Curable Nip friends.