Friday, March 28, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I'm a geek. You know that, right? That whole genius thing in the last post - it didn't give me its methodology, and so I could not accept it at face value, especially when other blogs I read and enjoy got much lower scores. In fact, Porkchop was the only one to get the Genius tag.
I mean, I could just say that this is the smartest blog ever - but you already know that in your heart, though I don't have the data to back it up, and we don't abide truthiness here.
So, I went to readability.info and got a bunch of different readability grades, and explanations thereof. It was fascinating (see note on geekdom above). On the school-grade scales, we got:
- Kincaid, 5.8
- ARI, 6.0
- Coleman-Liau, 9.0
- Fog, 8.9
- Lix, <5*
- SMOG, 8.7
*Bite me, Lix.
That's a pretty wide range right there, which makes me glad I don't write standardized tests. I furthermore learned that we had started 2 of the 20 sentences on the front page with subordinating conjunctions, which is surprising, considering our irascible insubordinant spirit. (Did I convince you that I know what a "subordinating conjunction" is? Good.)
This Web site gave me a Flesch-Kincaid score, and apparently Flesch thinks much more highly of our writing than his colleague - together, they gave us a 10. So eat that, 5.8th-graders.
But I think my favorite index is SMOG. Sure, it gave us a middle-of-the-road score, but it has a deliciously one-factored formula: sqrt (((words<=3 syllables)/sentences)*30) + 3. So if I told you to "fornicate vigorously fortnightly with a truculent velvety wolverine," SMOG says you'd need to be midway through Grade 20 to understand it.
Then, you'd probably giggle.
Monday, March 24, 2008
1. The Bible
2. Harry Potter
4. Mere Christianity
5. Wild At Heart
Are the people reading (3) preparing to deal with the people reading (1), (4) and (5)? And where does "The Boy Who Lived" fit into all this? I think I'm going to stop leaving the house, just in case.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Damn, I hate that guy.
Oh, lest all you Porkchop groupies feel neglected (hi mom!), behold West Asian Christopher:
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
So says a woman who saw the image of Jesus on her HungryMan salisbury steak dinner (in photo) and is auctioning said dinner on eBay. The money is said to go to charity. Last we checked bidding was $157.50.
Check it out here.
The "hay-soos" reference is a shout-out to Dilbert. Creator Scott Adams had a character last week or so named Jesus, pronounced hay-soos, who performed miracles in the office. Adams caught some flak for the strip running so close to Easter.
A couple of co-workers say this Salisbury Jesus looks more like Salisbury Satan if you stare at it too long. Beware, he's a crafty one.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A single guy lived in this townhouse for 8 years in Ogden, Utah. They thought he was the best renter because he never called or complained and was never late on a payment. These pictures don't even come close to what it looked like. Century 21 had already moved some of the cans out and had caved in tunnels he had made to get to the bedroom, bathroom and kitchen.
Monday, March 17, 2008
In any case, I hereby proclaim it almost as awesome as the Great Ukrainian Speedo Explosion of Feb. 22.
Friday, March 14, 2008
From: Department of the Treasury
Subject: US Internal Revenue Service
After the last annual calculations of your fiscal activity we have determined
that you are eligible to receive a tax refund of $189.60.
Please submit the tax refund request and allow us 6-9 days in order to process it.
It will be stored in our secure database for maximum of 3 days
while we process the results of this nationwide survey.
A refund can be delayed for a variety of reasons.
For example submitting invalid records or applying after the deadline.
To access your tax refund online, please click on the link below
BTW, mousing over the link showed me an aol.com address. I guess the Fed is too good for Netzero. Your tax dollars at work, folks.
Above is an installment of one of my favorite web comics, Toothpaste For Dinner. In case you're curious, I am in fact in the "dick" category, but only because I was always bored in algebra class and the teacher had a few hundred digits of pi as his wallpaper border. I think that's an acceptable reason for knowing 30-odd digits nearly 20 years later - right?
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Although the pubs will be crowded and noisy this St. Patrick's Day, don't put yourself in an embarrassing situation with unwanted gas. It may be tempting to eat traditional Irish dishes like corned beef and cabbage, but they can put a damper on your celebration.
Reached for comment, the Queen of Soul said "All I'm asking is for a little respect when I get, um, wherever."
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
WICHITA, Kan. (AP) -- Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years - so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police.
(1) I hope she had a really good, really long book.
(2) I hope he had another bathroom in the house.
(3) I hope she courtesy-flushed at least every month or two.
(The boyfriend) told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.
"And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow,'" (Sheriff Bryan) Whipple said.
(4) I wonder if he ever considered having a slot installed on the door, jail-style.
(5) Fool me 729 times, shame on me.
"It really doesn't surprise me," (neighbor James) Ellis said. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."
(6) With his ability to remain unfazed by pretty much anything, and his gift for measured understatement, James Ellis should be a campaign adviser. Or perhaps a candidate himself.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
And you thought that little Travelocity gnome was cute. Little did you know that its kin apparently stalk the streets of Argentina, terrorizing teens with cell phone cams.
It’s almost that time of year again. You’re standing, dumbfounded, in front of a mound of hard boiled eggs, sliced ham and chocolate Easter bunnies. You wonder, “What am I going to do with 6 dozen eggs, 6 lbs. of ham and 25 chocolate bunnies?” The stress of it is almost enough to send you to bed for a week--or at least tear most of your hair out. Here are a few ideas and recipes from www.LivingOnADime.com to help you avoid both of those.
Leftover Bunnies: Take a rolling pin to them and crush the life out of them. Then use the crumbs to sprinkle on ice cream, use in milk shakes, stir into a mug of hot chocolate, use in place of chocolate chips for making cookies or melt for dipping fruit and candy.
Leftover Ham: Save bone for bean or split pea soup. Make ham salad, chef salad or ham sandwiches. Chop and freeze to use in: potato salad, scrambled eggs, omelets, to top baked potatoes, for potato soup, scalloped potatoes, au gratin potatoes, pasties or pizza- with pineapple.
Top tortilla with ham, salsa, and cheddar cheese and warm, for hot ham and cheese sandwiches.
Leftover Eggs: Make potato salad, tuna salad, pasta salad, chef salad, spinach salad with eggs and bacon, deviled eggs, golden morning sunshine or fill tomatoes with egg salad.
Golden Morning Sunshine
2 cups white sauce 4 eggs, hard boiled and chopped
Make white sauce. Once the white sauce has thickened, add eggs. Serve on toast.
¼ cup dry milk 1 cup cold water
2 Tbsp. flour 1 Tbsp. margarine
In a covered jar, combine dry milk, flour and salt and mix well. Add water. Shake until all the ingredients are dissolved. Melt margarine in a 1 quart sauce pan. Stir in flour milk mixture and cook over low heat until mixture thickens and starts to bubble. Keep stirring until thickened completely.
* Dude, I held out on the lolcat thing for a year. I'm not made of stone.
Clinic wants to be 'snip city' at NCAA tourney time
SPRINGFIELD, Oregon (AP) -- For guys who park in front of the TV during college basketball's March Madness, the Oregon Urology Institute has a suggestion: Why not use that time to recover from a vasectomy?
Need an excuse to stay home and watch March Madness? An Oregon clinic suggests a vasectomy.
"When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen," the clinic's radio ad says. "Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city."
The full story goes on to describe the care package they're throwing in, which includes a bag of frozen peas.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
This just in:
Sarah Chalke, best-known to TV fans and the Porkchop faithful as Dr. Elliot Reid on "Scrubs," is star of a new ad campaign for Hanes.
She's touting the new No Ride Up Panty. (Attractive, eh?) She's battling "the dreaded wedgie," says a press release.
Apparently the TV ads were directed by "Scrubs" star Zach Braff and the print campaign was "inspired by her own panty mishap on the red carpet" at The Emmys.
See other videos here.
Soon, you can go online (hanes.com/wedgiefree) and watch Sarah’s “Wedgie Dance” video and enter weekly “Wedgie-Free Wednesdays” product giveaways or share your wedgie story!!!!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
A band of brave, intrepid Hungarians saved more than 16,000 frogs from certain, squishy death, according to United Press International.
Paul sent this to me and I forgot to post it. It's a must-read, if you haven't already.
The 57-year-old Irishman was blinded two years ago after an aluminum explosion at a recycling plant, AFP reported Thursday. His sight has been miraculously restored after doctors inserted his son’s tooth in his eye.
Read the full story here.
Monday, March 3, 2008
We turned to the experts-cum-kingmakers at the Internet Anagram Server (aka "I, Rearrangment Servant") - and are presenting the results below. We limited the results to three words each, because no one likes an overly wordy candidate. And because Hillary is sick of going first...
- Babushka macaronies
- Cabana hubrises amok
- Caesarian mush kabob
- Bob's marihuana cakes
- Bareback human oasis
- Amnesiac or babushka?
- Scarab bemoans haiku
- Bemoan rakish abacus
- Nabob haiku massacre
- Shamanic aura kebobs
- Samurai nacho kebabs
- Anaerobic ska ambush (one of my favorite bands)
- Abase bunko charisma (that'll be Hillary's next slogan)
- Chardonnay thrill limo
- Dynamical thrill honor
- Anchorman doily thrill
- Tricolor handyman hill
- Conditional myrrh hall
- Ironclad hominy thrall
- Doctrinal Harmony Hill
- Rhythmical lanolin rod
- Only mandril haircloth
- Millionth choral Randy
- Normal chill hydration
- Hardly chill nominator (if the shoe fits...)
- Nominal child harlotry (BTW, Chris Matthews says he's still sorry about that)
I'd say it's a push - I, for one, would love to have some samurai nacho kebabs in my chardonnay thrill limo - but Ohio and Texas will decide which Metro Cad will run for the Nerdy Epics. The winner will, of course, have to watch out for Cynic Sideman John and his Curable Nip friends.