Friday, February 29, 2008

Creep-you-out Friday

Click here for a post that, uh, kinda explains. No guarantees that it will make you feel any better.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

A mission for scofflaws

Attention, spraypaint owners: Can you please get to work on some of these for me?


Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Nothing important, part 200

We at Porkchop Central are celebrating our bicentennial by ripping off the local gadflies at NEWSPEAK!, who today directed me to a fantastic new Web comic.

The aptly named "garfield minus garfield" improves upon a certain Hoosier-created comic strip, excised from The Gazette a while ago, by removing its title character - leaving poor Jon Arbuckle to expose himself as the lonely schizophrenic he is and always was.

Bookmark it, people. Now! It's even better than the Nietzsche Family Circus.

Crichton just pooped a little

Pokemon Ranch is slated to be the first game for WiiWare, the low-budget and indie games channel on Nintendo's weird little box. Here, dozens of pikachus line up to do the boot-scootin' boogie... and then, of course, devour your children.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Sarcastic cutline machine overload

Oh my goodness. Can someone please say something really sad so I can stop laughing long enough to caption this? Apparently it's Ukrainian divers performing at the World Cup in China - and not, you know, the result of an explosion at the Speedo quality assurance center.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

But it was free!

Here's the lede from a BBC story that illustrates the possible repercussions of complaining about your service. Click anywhere to be magically transported to the full crazy-pants article:

Monday, February 18, 2008

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, etc.

From the fax machine:


This Applause is for YOU!

Introducing Cheers to You! The first and only CD filled with encouraging words and cheering applause! Ron Troutman of The Good Cheer Company wanted to create a CD that would make you feel acknowledged, feel good about yourself -- a CD where you'd smile (and keep smiling) while being reminded that you're worthy and valuable and deserving.


Then, you can take your Totino's pizza out of the oven, crack open another Pabst and get back to your sentai anime marathon. Wouldn't want to overexert your self-esteem.

The release goes on to say "Cheers To You! has been featured twice on The Ellen DeGeneres Show." I believe that is also true of kids playing Guitar Hero, which means that we can officially presume that Ellen is intentionally leading us toward an idiocratic apocalypse. Thanks, hon.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Aggregator wrasslin'

Hipness has arrived at The Gazette, people. Try not to faint.

This week we launched Springs Roll, a blog aggregator for the Springs and surrounding areas - a "deep-fried log of peakside blogs," as the tagline says. It boils down to this: we'll direct people to your blog, gratis, because we're nice and we like young tech-savvy folks. We really do.

Plus, it'll give you (and us) a great new way to screw around at work.

Anyway, click over there right now and add your blog, so I can stop shilling and get back to snarking.


Kotaku announced Activision's announcement of the next thing your adolescent kids will want: Guitar Hero: Aerosmith.
Wait a sec. I don't think anyone has ever put "Aerosmith" and "adolescent kids" in the same sentence before. But whatever. There are many other obvious problems with the press release.

(1) "Gamers will experience Aerosmith's GRAMMY® winning career, from their first gig to becoming rock royalty, in a way that no other entertainment vehicle offers."

Uh, shouldn't we start the story in about 1987, after everyone stopped snorting every finely-ground substance they could get their hands on?

(2) "Steven Tyler says, 'Any band that can go from "Don't Want to Miss A Thing" (Aerosmith's #1 smash hit)..."

Really, Steven? That's what you're leading your pitch with? The song from the quintessential badly overblown '90s "event movie"?

(3) Tyler again: "Not only is songwriting a bitch, but then it goes and has puppies."

Um, what?

(4) Head of publishing Dusty Welch: "This partnership will give Aerosmith, a band that has sold more than 150 million albums worldwide, a powerful and innovative platform to reach their fans and new audiences."

Porkchop's translation: "This partnership will give Aerosmith gigantic bags of money, and get our company very little in return, because most of the market for Guitar Hero is made up of adolescents who have never heard of Aerosmith or, if they have, are creeped out by them."

Maybe I'm wrong - hell, I'll probably rent it at least - but this sure sounds like a big scarf-covered train wreck. Unless there's some kind of Alicia Silverstone mode (please, Activision?)

Thursday, February 14, 2008

We want Saget! We want Saget!

Furthering the spirit of the Hallmark holiday, a couple of e-cards from NBC, which may be feeling some extra brotherly love this week. Click the pictures if you really want to send one:

If I were you, I wouldn't send the "Office" one to a rabid fan of the show. She'll want to know why you couldn't send her an e-card that's up-to-date. Or, you know, flowers.

Nothing says "I Love You" quite like this

Apparently this is the height of Valentine's Day madness:

Introducing Subtle Butt ™ - Disposable Shields That Neutralize Odor Caused By (Gasp!) Flatulence

You can't make up stuff like this:
"In this politically correct day and age, farting is still a major no-no for both men and women, alike. Now, thanks to the geniuses behind Garment Guard, the disposable, self-adhesive discs that prevent underarm stains, you can fart smart!"

They're selling squares of fabric made of activated carbon that you place inside your underwear or pants with two self-adhesive strips. The activated carbon is supposed to filter your flatulence.

According to the company: "Now you can eat all of the beans and burritos you want and still have a social life."

5-pack for $9.95 - available in March

Happy VD!

Because we love you that much, here's a cornucopia of BBC Pics of the Day, with twice the normal cutlines. Call us later, k?

Rinspeed added, "Ha ha, every adult male in the entire world. We just got your life savings."

Or, "A Beijing man looked up today just in time to foresee his death by falling mannequin."

In neighboring Micronesia, where heart surgery is illegal, locals turned out in droves for the annual Triple Whopper With Cheese Festival.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

More stories like this, please

'Jesus' cosmetic row in Singapore

A leading retailer in Singapore has withdrawn a cosmetics range with a Jesus theme after complaints from local Roman Catholics, local media report.

The range, named Lookin' Good for Jesus, was on sale at three Topshop outlets in the Asian city state.

Catholics complained the cosmetics' marketing was disrespectful, full of sexual innuendo and trivialised Christianity.

About 15% of Singapore's 4.4 million population is Christian.

The products included a "Virtuous vanilla" lip balm and a "Get Tight with Christ" hand and body cream, featuring a picture of Christ flanked by two adoring women.

Click the headline for the full story from BBC, and a picture. How can you not?

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Something's fishy in Sweden

From Porkchop pal, Paul:

this UPI news item

MOTALA, Sweden -- A Swedish man was awakened Thursday by an open can of pungent fermented herring tossed through his bedroom window by an unknown assailant, The Local said.

Police in Motala were looking into the matter, which didn't hurt anyone but left the victim's home in need of an extensive mid-winter airing out.

The Stockholm newspaper said investigators had an idea who was behind the "herring grenade" attack, which was classified as a property damage crime.
(OK, this photo doesn't show canned herring. I couldn't resist the far of Abba herring pickled with onions.)
Herring grenades - have we tried those in Iraq?
Thanks, Paul!

Too much FreeTime

Today EA has new promotional material up for the Sims 2 expansion pack "FreeTime." It includes a video of sim-Natasha Bedingfield singing a song in Simlish, the Sims' distinctive gibberish language. Some notes:

1) The Sims are still creepy.
2) Simlish is kinda fun to listen to after all these years.
3) Simtasha is hotter than regular Natasha.
1b) Hot Sims are creepier still.

Er, what?

Also from the sports e-mail box, a form-letter spam we've seen recently took a weird turn today.

Good Day,

I was just looking at your site, and I have a number of clients looking for Fat Camps. I do not work as a lead broker or a referral agency. I am seeking to work with one camp exclusively, today.

Your site looks like it'll make a strong fit for what they're looking for. Give me a call I need somebody fast.

I'll bet Dave Philipps has some ideas for him. Vive le Incline!

Isn't that where Cal Poly is?

From the folks who, a few months ago, were gracious enough to keep our flip chip substrate knowledge up-to-date:

SnAgCuBi and SnAgCuBiSb solder joint properties investigations

Thank God. I was beginning to think I had no use for the periodic table I keep taped to the inside of my skull, but there are always the headlines of misdirected trade e-mails to translate.

If nothing else, I can rest easy knowing someone is investigating the properties of solder joints - and now you can, too.

Why I miss Michael J

PASTE magazine is releasing the 25th anniversary edition of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” on Tuesday.
Which is also Darwin Day. Coincidence?
The PASTE cover story is What I Miss About Michael Jackson
I miss that killer 'fro he had when he was a kick ("I Want You Back!")
A co-worker says she misses when Michael was black. You know what she means - when he looked black, like he was part of the Jackson family. When you could SO tell they were brothers singing and dancing on stage.
What do you miss most about Michael?

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

10th anniversary is what, epoxy?

Valentine's Day seems to bring out the worst press releases ever. Some are such a s-t-r-e-t-c-h.

Here's today's fav:

"Hello Dena,

"Win the heart of loved ones this Valentine’s Day with the following gift ideas that would even make Cupid jealous!

Mighty Putty
Valentine’s Day is a great way to show you care – from fixing that shelf to a general repair Mighty Putty is a powerful bonding epoxy stick that can help fix virtually any household item or surface. ... "

Yeah, nothing says "I love you" like Mighty Putty. I can't wait to get married.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Happy Super Fat Tuesday

At right, the first image that pops up when you Google "super fat."

If that's not Mardi Gras-tuitous enough for you, have one of these.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Rewarding immobility with sugar, fat

So, Dairy Queen, the DQ, has introduced an online game world featuring the DQ Deeqs and aimed at 8- to 12-year-olds.

Kids sit around playing games online and win points.

From the press release: "As the site develops, the points kids earn playing the game will be redeemable for virtual and in-store Dairy Queen rewards."

Just what my kid who's sitting around playing online games needs: Dairy Queen treats.

Who are the Deeqs? The story goes, they're ice cream confections that have been frozen for years because they were too sweet, too fun, too out of control.
If only kids would stretch it like that.

Unsung heroes

If you watched the Super Bowl last night, you're likely still reeling from the miraculous Manning-Tyree hookup in the improbable final drive. Lord knows I am. But you may not have noticed the calm contribution of one person, someone whose name I don't even know.

When the Pats turned the ball over with one second left, the game appeared to be over. Throngs of people stormed the field, as the officials tried to clear a path for the Giants to take their final knee and officially end the game.

But one guy (or gal) couldn't be fooled. He kept his eye on the clock and his finger over the button, keenly aware that there was still one entirely inconsequential play to go. And after Manning knelt down to run out the last second of regulation, this consummate professional dispatched his duties at exactly the right time, not a moment too soon.

I'm talking, of course, about the confetti cannon guy. Way to go, buddy. Where the entire Stanford marching band famously failed some 25 years ago, you triumphed. I hope you get a beer commercial.

ps. Check out Andy's posts about the Super Bowl commercials, where you'll learn, among other things, that I forced him to watch the disappointing Danica Patrick web ad (there should be a federal law against welshing on boob-related promises), and that he sucks at predicting final scores.