Monday, November 24, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.
I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.
I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.
THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.
PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.
YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
- Mr. Smashy Pants
- The Big Banger
- The One Ring
- The Rectumizer
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Suddenly I got this odd feeling like I hate everyone.
The Arizona senator later apologized for overreacting, going so far as to kiss the cheek of his Democratic rival.
In a recurring theme of the campaign, supporters of Hillary Clinton (right, in a photo from earlier in the year) were offended by their candidate's apparent snub.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
LaFontaine died Monday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, California, according to ETOnline, "Entertainment Tonight's" Web site. He died from complications from pneumothorax, a collapsed lung that causes air to build in the pleural cavity, his agent, Vanessa Gilbert, told "ET."
LaFontaine, who was born in Duluth, Minnesota, began as a voice actor in the mid-1960s while working as a recording engineer, according to his Web site. His strong, slightly gravelly voice was featured on trailers for thousands of films, including "The Godfather," "Fatal Attraction" and "Terminator 2: Judgment Day." For a time in the late '70s, LaFontaine was the official voice of Paramount Pictures.
His favorite work was one he did for the 1980 film "The Elephant Man," he said in interviews, but whether the film was Oscar-caliber or a bomb waiting to blow, he handled every assignment equally.
"My philosophy is that you have to really believe what you're reading, even if you think the film's a piece of junk," he told Swindle magazine. "Even the worst picture is someone's favorite film, and that someone is the fan I am always talking to."
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Don't get me wrong: seeing Michael McDonald on TV definitely makes me hungry for change. Just probably not the kind Obama had in mind. I hoped we had come farther than that in the 14 months since Celinegate.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
There is a dimension ruled by a blind caramel God-King who sits on a vast, cyclopean milk-chocolate throne while his mindless, gooey followers dance to the piping of crazed flutes. It is said that there are gateways in our world that lead to this caramel hell-planet. The delectable Caramel Chew may be one such portal.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
"About a year ago a YouTube poster uploaded a video of a glitch in Tiger Woods 08. He was able to get Tiger to stand on top of a lake and drive the ball into the hole. In response, EA just came out with this viral video to show that what the poster had claimed, is indeed true in real life."
That's how Kotaku describes this totally rad commercial for Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2009, available this fall for every system known to man (except, of course, my Super Nintendo).
*Just because Porkchop is a bit late to Everyone Talk About Phelps All The Time Week doesn't mean we can't play catchup, dammit.
Michael Phelps returns to his tank at Sea World
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I pity the journalistic fool who doesn't give Mr. T his propers.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
I just read the word "robust" for exactly the number of times I needed to complain about it. Here are the definitions of the word provided by Merriam-Webster Unabridged. If you don't mean one of them, and you probably don't, then use another word. If you do mean one of them, please choose a synonym, because this word is becoming untenably obnoxious.
Without further ado...
1 a : having or exhibiting strength or vigorous health : POWERFUL, MUSCULAR, VIGOROUS
b : firm and assured in purpose, opinion, or outlook
c : exceptionally sound : FLOURISHING
d : strongly formed or constructed : STURDY>
2 : ROUGH, RUDE
3 : requiring strength or vigor
4 : FULL-BODIED, STRONG
On the bright side, earlier this week I heard the circumstances leading to the impending spike in corn prices referred to as a "perfect storm." Since one of those circumstances was in fact a literal storm, I enjoyed the almost certainly unintentional wordplay. Good on ya, "Today Show."
Friday, June 6, 2008
What is surprising is that they're having an academic conference in Arkansas. In a town called "Arkadelphia." About which Wikipedia says "The city's name Arkadelphia was likely formed by combining Ark- from the state's name Arkansas and adelphia as in Philadelphia." Which makes me wonder if those were the same visionaries who gave us Texarkana.
Seriously, good luck with that book-learnin', guys.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Yes, Boston has won four games and Detroit only two. But it's hard to imagine a more arbitrary and undemocratic way to determine this series’s outcome than "games won." It is, after all, a bedrock value of the game of basketball that all points must be counted. But how can that be the case when every point beyond the winning point is ignored? There are literally dozens of layups, jumpers, free throws, and (yes, even) dunks that our opponents want to say don't count for anything at all. We call on the NBA to do the right thing and fully count all of the baskets that were made throughout the course of this series.
Once you abandon the artificial four-games-to-two framework that the media has tried to impose on the series, a very different picture emerges, with the Celtics leading by a mere 549 points to 539. Yes that’s right, the margin between the two teams is less than one percent—a tie, for all intents and purposes. This is probably the closest Conference Finals in NBA history, though I will thank you not to check on that.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Anyone who can talk like that to the best guy from Tecmo Bowl must be a badass. RIP, Bo.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Clinton, Obama and McCain on WWE's `Monday Night Raw'
Monday, April 21, 2008 4:42:11 PM
By DERRIK J. LANG
A smackdown among presidential candidates?
Barack Obama, Hillary Rodham Clinton and John McCain will appear on World Wrestling Entertainment's live "Monday Night Raw" (8-11 p.m. EST on cable's USA network) but instead of smacking each other down, they separately will deliver some wrestling-themed stumping in taped messages before Tuesday's Pennsylvania primary.
"Tonight, in honor of the WWE, you can call me Hillrod," Clinton says in her message. "This election is starting to feel a lot like `King of the Ring.' The only difference? The last man standing may just be a woman."
Obama borrows The Rock's famous catchphrase during his appearance.
"To the special interests who've been setting the agenda in Washington for too long and to all the forces of division and distraction that has stopped us from making progress, for the American people, I've got one question: Do you smell what Barack is cooking?" Obama says before flashing a smile.
McCain, meanwhile, looked to Hulkamania for inspiration for his message.
"Looks like Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama want to celebrate their differences in the ring," McCain says. "Well, that's fine with me, but let me tell you: If you want to be the man, you have to beat the man. Come November, it'll be game over. And whatcha gonna do when John McCain and all his McCainiacs run wild on you?"
The candidate appearances will be used to promote "Smackdown Your Vote!" -- the WWE's voter registration drive.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Boy killer loses appeal
Yeah. I used to like that boy killer, until he totally sold out. Just for fun, let's try some different punctuation:
"Boy-killer loses appeal." Well yeah, watching him kill boys would get old.
"Boy, killer loses appeal." Does he ever! I can hardly stand to look at him now.
"Boy/killer loses appeal." I grow weary of this mild-mannered young man by day, cold-hearted murderer by night.
"Boy killer loses. Appeal?" The game-over screen on a defense attorney video game.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Vanilla Ice was held without bond Friday following his arrest on a charge of simple domestic battery after an alleged argument with his wife at their South Florida home.
The 39-year-old rapper's wife called the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office on Thursday night, saying he had kicked and hit her. She later told deputies he had only pushed her, the arrest report said.
The report said Vanilla Ice denied pushing her.
What nearly pushes this over the top into the "funny" category? The reporter's insistence on referring to the accused by his stage name. Also, the opportunity it affords us to wonder what kind of person would marry Vanilla Ice (answer: her name is Laura, and they have two kids named Dusti Rain and Keelee Breeze, which is fantastic).
But the moral of the story is simple: if you want to keep your marriage violence-free, you must remember to stop, collaborate and listen. Good night everybody!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Toby Keith Joins Wayman Tisdale on Barry White Remake
To reinforce this sign of the apocalypse, some visual aids:
OK, so they can all be referred to in some sense as "musicians," so they have that in common, but I guess what I'm getting at is that only one of the three has been on television saying "This truck is the big dog daddy." And it wasn't Barry White. Or Wayman Tisdale.
It was Toby Keith, is what I'm saying.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
My new goal: to get famous enough to do that and have it be funny.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Lord of the Rings Online: Battle of Amon Hen
D20 punks the Gazette
Super Pii Pii Brothers
Virgin and Google team up to colonize Mars
YouTube rickrolls absolutely everyone
Microsoft unveils new XBox accessories we'd actually love to have
Collegehumor.com bought by 17-year-old
GMail introduces custom time stamps
- Jennifer Capriati
- Perry Farrell
- Eric Idle
- The Knights of Columbus
- Christopher Lambert
- Lucy Lawless
- Elle MacPherson
- John Popper
- The Royal Albert Hall
- Amy Sedaris
- Sam Walton
- Wrestlemania III
- Cy Young
Friday, March 28, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I'm a geek. You know that, right? That whole genius thing in the last post - it didn't give me its methodology, and so I could not accept it at face value, especially when other blogs I read and enjoy got much lower scores. In fact, Porkchop was the only one to get the Genius tag.
I mean, I could just say that this is the smartest blog ever - but you already know that in your heart, though I don't have the data to back it up, and we don't abide truthiness here.
So, I went to readability.info and got a bunch of different readability grades, and explanations thereof. It was fascinating (see note on geekdom above). On the school-grade scales, we got:
- Kincaid, 5.8
- ARI, 6.0
- Coleman-Liau, 9.0
- Fog, 8.9
- Lix, <5*
- SMOG, 8.7
*Bite me, Lix.
That's a pretty wide range right there, which makes me glad I don't write standardized tests. I furthermore learned that we had started 2 of the 20 sentences on the front page with subordinating conjunctions, which is surprising, considering our irascible insubordinant spirit. (Did I convince you that I know what a "subordinating conjunction" is? Good.)
This Web site gave me a Flesch-Kincaid score, and apparently Flesch thinks much more highly of our writing than his colleague - together, they gave us a 10. So eat that, 5.8th-graders.
But I think my favorite index is SMOG. Sure, it gave us a middle-of-the-road score, but it has a deliciously one-factored formula: sqrt (((words<=3 syllables)/sentences)*30) + 3. So if I told you to "fornicate vigorously fortnightly with a truculent velvety wolverine," SMOG says you'd need to be midway through Grade 20 to understand it.
Then, you'd probably giggle.